LOCATION: Cranleigh, Surrey, UK.
DATE: 29/07/01.


TIME: 12.00

Quiff feels awful, his head is pounding and his glands are up, and it's hot, so hot. At least he feels better than he did on Friday though, that twenty-four hour bug was a real downer. Not trip-threatening but a pain in the arse nonetheless. He has so much to do today, yet all he wants to do is lie down and sleep. And he can't get everything in his bag either, he's got the bare minimum and it's still too much. Two pairs of shoes or three, sleeping bag or not, thick or thin jumper? So many decisions to make, not a lot of time in which to make them, and no space.

TIME: 18.15

Quiff's just arrived at Guildford station and is looking for Payno. He hopes Payno's going to choose the exit he's waiting at. It'll be a bad start if he doesn't. Wait, there he is. Quiff can see he's got a large rucksack, a lot bigger than his. It's green too. We say our hellos and walk over to the car, Quiff opens the passenger door and slants the seat forward, taking Payno's rucksack from him, but stops momentarily, shocked. "You fool, you IDIOT!" Quiff says. "Why? What's up?" Payno replies. "You've bought a Gelert rucksack (pronounced Jelert), you've invested in the Langdon empire!" "Shit!" Payno responds, obviously troubled, "I've given more money to that bastard!"

It's a bad start. Neither of us is confident that Payno's rucksack will last the trip. Quiff explains to Payno that it is almost always worth paying the extra money and buying quality, not just any old cheap shite. Payno is clearly upset, verging on purchasing another rucksack, one that he could be confident in and rely on.

TIME: 19.00

Just as Quiff pulls up to his house, he explains to Payno that his mother will love him forever if he compliments her on the high quality of the garden. Quiff tells him to try and bring the subject up naturally in conversation, so it appears genuine and not at all like he's been prompted to do so. Quiff opens the back door, his mother kisses Payno hello and says "Have you had a good trip? You must be hot carrying that bag around all day. It must have been a hell of a journey for you, Jonathan take his bag for him, come on" she exclaims, all in about a five second speech. "Yes it was a hell of a journey, but it was all worth it when I saw the splendour of your garden" Payno replies, with a sly, manipulative grin.

TIME: 19.30

The food is flowing and the cold Stella's are slipping down remarkably well. Another couple of sausages are slapped on the simmering barbecue, and the conversation turns to focus on the cat, which has decided to join us in sitting around the garden table. Quiff's mum begins the story of the cat's accident, in which he was hit by a car when she was out, and when she returned she found him half-dead in the kitchen, skull fractured, jaw broken in three places, and barely able to walk. At this point, the cat realizes he is being talked about, and strives for more attention by strolling up to Payno. Being unfamiliar with the cat's attention-seeking techniques, Payno leans down to stroke him, looking him right in the eye, and says "My dear cat, it appears you have used up one of your seven lives!"

It was only when Quiff pointed out that cats are supposed to have nine lives, that Payno realized why he was nearly crying with laughter.