TIME: 06.15

We are shocked to discover a long queue (line) already waiting for the 07.30 trip to New Orleans (pronounced Nawlins).

TIME: 07.30

It appears there are limited spaces on the bus and it is clear that we are too far back in the queue to deserve one. Once more we pray for divine intervention, another bus, extra seats, last minute cancellations, anything. After a brief encounter with a Greyhound representative, the Lord intervenes and sends us our help in the form of a Saint. Saint Joe. Payno decides that he is going to honour Saint Joe by erecting a commemmorative statue of the great man in Plymouth City Centre. Saint Joe got us on that bus.

TIME: 09.00

We start reading. Real fat bloke in front of us. He keeps on opening Coke's. He is large, takes up two seats. We are positioned almost opposite the restroom, awful penetrating stench emitting from there. Fat bloke can just about squeeze himself through the door. Pesky kid up front that won't stop crying. It's raining too, drizzle.

TIME: 13.30

After a lunch stop, we reposition ourselves further toward the front of the bus. Unfortunately we are sat next to the screaming kid. We both decide that forcing our books down it's throat will be the only way to get silence as its mother is clearly incompetent. It's raining harder now, thunderstorms are likely. Payno gets edgy.

TIME: 17.00

As we enter Louisiana, we notice the increase in the number of swamps. Quiff claims he saw an alligator. Raining bloody hard now, pouring in fact. We are on a 24 mile causeway. It's basically a whacking great long bridge from the mainland, over part of the Gulf of Mexico, to New Orleans. We can hardly see out the window. The pathetically sized barriers at the side of the road cause us increasing concern for our safety, should the driver lose control. We note that the Amtrak railway line is dangerously close to the water level. Flash flooding could occur.

We are scared, the thunder's getting louder and the rain looks like it will never stop. Payno is clearly very nervous. Sweat is seeping from his usually cool brow, his fear of thunderstorms obviously affecting him. We are, however, amused by the sight of a Mercedes convertible with its roof down fighting a losing battle against the rain. Payno decides that it's like a goldfish bowl on wheels. We are comforted temporarily. Then that kid starts to cry again.

TIME: 18.15

Arrival at New Orleans. Big thunderstorm right on top of us. Payno clearly troubled. We taxi to the hostel. Note numerous attractive females in the vicinity. Splendid. We sort ourselves out and prepare for our mission. Alcohol intake and 'a good crack'. Our country is relying on us.

We taxi to Bourbon Street rather than take the much cheaper bus option due to Payno's thunderstorm phobia. The driver gives us a couple of free passes to Temptations, a Gentleman's club on Bourbon Street. We are dubious but bear it in mind.

TIME: 20.00

The first stop is food. Payno tries jambalaya, a local delicacy, Quiff attempts to pronounce something from the menu and in the end settles for lemon chicken.

TIME: 21.00

Our first New Orleans bar. We are persuaded by the 3 for 1 sign the doorman is proudly wearing, and decide to capitalize. We note the multitude of men in the bar at first, then the live band, which consists of one guy singing to a pre-recorded backing while the rest play warm up riffs. We then realize why there is such a male-orientated clientele. The waitresses try to get you horny by offering you drinks in a sexy, seductive manner. The content of the drink appears suspect. It seems to resemble a Malibu or Archer's shot in a big, test-tube style glass. We are approached. Payno is selected first. He cannot resist. He is clearly unnerved by the unaccustomary interest of a female. He succumbs to the temptation. He drinks, and forgets to tip the waitress, much to her annoyance.

Quiff's reaction is different. He is sitting on a bar stool, legs apart, and the dejected waitress forgets her experience with Payno and tries to charm her way into Quiff's wallet by shaking her booty between his thighs and squeezing his upper leg, rather too near the tackle region for his liking. He resists. He will not, and cannot, be persuaded. He thinks of his ancestors and his up-bringing. He thinks of their opinion of him, should he take part in such a degrading act. "I don't want it" he repeats time after time, but the waitress, to her credit, refuses to yield -confident she can persuade him. But she didn't consider his inner strength, his self-belief and his outstanding morals. After a short, sharp, stern "No", she buggers off, leaving both Quiff and Payno rather shaken, but not put-off. We drink up and leave.

TIME: 21.30

Cat's Meow, karaoke jaunt. We are persuaded to enter by the sight of the bar and a few birds. Expensive drinks, and it's Bud Light. Diet Budweiser? Bloody yanks, they don't have restaurants that offer anything but greasy fried chicken or fat-ridden burgers, and then they take the taste out of a good beer. The karaoke guy, who performs numerous songs, obviously had something stuffed down his trousers 'cos his penis would have been a monster if it were that big! The superficial birds obviously didn't realize this and were captivated by this sight.

TIME: 22.00

Another bar, another live band. Good guitarist, but no character in the bar.

TIME: 22.30

We're getting a bit pissed now. We frequent a couple more bars then realize we're running slightly low on funds. Then we remember that we have free entry to Temptations, the Gentleman's club.

TIME: 24.00

Being pissed and not really thinking about what sort of club this really is, we enter. As soon as the door closes, the red lights hit us and we turn the corner and discover the bar, and the viewing area. We are shown to a table next to a mini catwalk style walkway and a waitress fetches us a couple of beers. The sight was shocking, yet great. We, the travellers, the 'Crazy Limeys', have stumbled upon a strip club.

The show begins. A nice looking female struts her stuff along the catwalk, jiggling her breasts and folding into positions that we never thought possible. Out come the wallets. A wiggle here, a dollar there. A sexy move here, a dollar there. An uncomfortable-looking position here, a dollar there. A tit in the face here, a dollar there. We are enjoying ourselves, yet there was still an embarrassing tend to avert the eyes when approached, as if we knew we shouldn't be there.

Two barely-dressed girls approach us and sit on our laps. Fortunately the alcohol has sunk in and we cannot stand to attention, if you get what I mean. They enquire the usual small talk, and try to get us to order beer or give them money. Quiff refuses and his tart goes away. However, once more Payno shows his weakness and orders another beer.

It never arrives. When asked by a plain waitress whether or not we want another drink, Payno explains that one is ordered. The waitress disappears, only to come back claiming that the girl has taken the money as a tip and has no intention of getting him his beer. Anger is clearly visible in Payno's eyes, but is quickly replaced by a smug, almost arrogant look as he mentally develops his approach, in true British style. "I can get the manager if you like" the plain waitress explains. "No, there's no need" Payno replies, for fear of a kicking from a burly, toned doorman out the back. "If that's the way she wants to earn her money, fine. I hope she has a clear conscience though, in depriving a man of his beer. If she wants to earn her money in a dishonest way, that's fine. I hope she can live with herself".

The waitress disappears and then the girl in question turns up. "I thought it was a tip" she explains "you said nothing about a beer". Payno, amusingly, takes another psychological track. "Are you happy in your job?" he asks, "are you really proud about what you've achieved, working in a strip club?" Totally thrown, she has no reply. Payno seizes the opportunity "do your parents know you work here? Are they proud of you? Is this your chosen career?" She is gobsmacked, truly stunned at being outwitted. She had no reply. There is nothing she could have said. We had won. We leave.