LOCATION: Memphis (Tennessee).
DATE: 05/08/01.


TIME: 09.30

No wake-up call despite the $5 tip given to staff member to ensure our getting up. It's fine though, we're up and ready anyway. First in line at Greyhound station. We have developed an excellent Greyhound technique, learned from the well-travelled North American locals. The trick is to locate your departure gate, get there early, place your bags as close to the door as possible, and sit on them.

TIME: 10.15

We leave Louisville and head for Nashville, Tennessee. We ask the Lord if he can see his way to persuading Greyhound to put on a new bus so the rush for seats is non-existent. He answers our plea and we sit comfortably. Quiff, in an effort to improve himself behaviourally, has started reading a book entitled '7 habits of highly effective people'. However, every time he attempts to read it, he falls asleep. Conclusion: book should be renamed 'one way to cure insomnia'. After yesterday's rather amusing incident of Payno's leg being sneezed on by a passing Afro-Carribbean toddler, we are comforted by our air-conditioned seats at the front of the bus.

TIME: 13.00

Arrival in Nashville. Change for Memphis. One hour wait, which is fine because we use our newly found Greyhound technique, then toddle off for a bite to eat. God smiles on us once more by providing an air-conditioned, spacious, on-time coach for our four hour journey to Memphis.

TIME: 18.00

Arrival in Memphis. Struggle to locate bus station to catch free shuttle to pre-booked campsite. We ask numerous locals, but none is sure, albeit helpful. We ask the Lord to smile on us once more and provide a cheap, available taxi. We turn back one block and notice a sparkling taxi just offloading it's passengers. We capitalize. Thank you Lord.

TIME: 18.45

The campsite is absolutely ideal. There is a swimming pool, restaurants nearby, and an adjoining hotel with a bar. We are pleased, particularly when we see our cabin. Simple, but perfect. An air-conditioning fan, a double amd a bunk bed, and a verranda, with separate picnic table and barbecue, all overlooking the rest of the campsite. We decide it is going to be an excellent location for a couple of beers later on.

TIME: 19.30

We frequent the China Buffet and chance upon an all-you-can-eat for $8 offer. We accept, in the hope that we may finally consume some fruit and vegetables. Success. They are plentiful. Payno stuffs himself with three plates of seafood, followed by melon, whilst Quiff manages merely one plate of Chinese, followed by five helpings of fresh melon. Clearly the travellers had been suffering from a lack of traditional British fruit and veg, the kind you'd buy from Mark Fowler's stall...

We decide to try the 'Heartbreak Hotel' bar, for a swift couple of bevvies before early closing (as it's Sunday). Unfortunately, the bar is smaller than a gnat's nipple and we turn to leave, slightly dispirited. However, our moods are enlightened when we walk past a just-opening lift (elevator), and out walk two scantily clad young maidens, obviously in distress and in need of two burly, muscular, young British travelling heroes to allieve their situation. As we didn't fit this description, we left rather promptly, in much higher spirits as the Gods were clearly sending us novelties amd luxuries. It was most encouraging.

TIME: 22.00

We spend the remainder of the evening sipping lager on the verranda, pondering our mission. We have had no contact from London recently, and we are worried that our discoveries may be far more urgent than we expected. Our country is relying on us, millions of people need our discoveries to aid their alcohol-consuming careers. We shall not fail. We discuss many-a-subject: beer, women, jobs, locals, and music during a quiet, pleasant evening. Memphis, and Graceland in particular, is home to the legend that is Elvis. Payno announces that he is, in fact, a closet Elvis fan, and we sit in awe at his obvious popularity. We encounter problems, however, with local mosquitoes. We fight a long, hard battle and many lives are lost, the full scale of which we shall not know 'til the morning. Our predecessors would be proud.

TIME: 23.00

We have noticed an increasing use of Americanisms by ourselves. This is worrying. Our sovereignty should never be forgotten, or replaced by another culture. We are British and we shall fight on for King and country.

Quiff remarks that he didn't think Elvis Costello was so popular.