Jonola14

LOCATION: Washington D.C. (District of Columbia).
DATE: 22/08/01.

TIME: 11.00

Once again panic sets in as we have to recheck-in to our room. We are too late, and so have to check in to other rooms instead, but this is not a problem. Payno and Gaz decide that their guts are troubling them and that they need to lighten their loads, unfortunately neither of them appears physically able to do so until Quiff suggests a technique learned from university that involves the shouting of the words "I am the gate-keeper" which tenses up the abdomen and enables the free flow of digested bi-products. Payno toddles off to the thin-walled toilet in a packed reception hall and proceeds to test out this technique to the amusement of his audience.

TIME: 12.00

We walk to the White House and concoct theories of how we would take it over just in order to raise the Union Jack Flag in place of the far too common Stars and Stripes. There is no sign of an opportunity to yell abuse at President Bush, so we head off across the park towards the obelisk that is George Washington's memorial.

On the way, we watch a game of soccer between two makeshift teams and find ourselves criticising every last detail of their play, including their clear lack of structure. Ellis is forced to subdue his desire to yell military comments about 'Nam for fear of repercussions from a true veteran.

TIME: 13.00

The rather phallic Washington memorial obelisk proves to be a favourite location for local joggers and fitness freaks so we quickly decide it's time to move on to the Lincoln memorial over by Reflective Lake, the scene of Forrest Gump's award ceremony. This is an excellent memorial, but we don't stay long due to the welcome sight of a refreshments centre.

TIME: 14.00

We trot off across Memorial Bridge towards JFK's memorial, avoiding the ever-present joggers and power walkers and criticising their running techniques because we are obviously professionals. Quiff is attacked by a Kamikaze dragonfly that believes his bright yellow Brazil shirt is an overly-sized daffodil, and we enter Arlington cemetary.

It is a very historical location with thousands and thousands of graves, all linked to conflicts and it is hard not to think that war is a pitiful waste of human life. We visit the grave of JFK and the eternal flame and head off to the tomb of the unknown soldier where we proceed to witness the changing of the guard. This is a robotic display of military behaviour, with guards walking completely in unison before doing the 21 pace walk by the memorial, waiting 21 seconds, twiddling with their guns and starting all over again.

As we walk away from this, we pass a father with his two sons, about 12 and 15 years in age, and amuse ourselves by listening to an argument concerning the elder son and how he doesn't want to watch the changing of the guard. About two minutes later, the elder son runs past us crying and sits down at the side of the road, much to our amusement.

TIME: 16.30

We experience the D.C. Metro system which proves to be quick, simple and cheap, and we head off to Capital Hill for some more sightseeing. After this we stop at an Irish pub for a cheeky beer and are astonished at the extortionate cost of $5 a drink. We decide that tonight should not be a heavy drinking session, and that getting rat-arsed is not a good idea if we are to get up early and head for New York. We plan to leave before 09.00 after a good night's kip leaving us clear-headed.

TIME: 20.30

We've tuckered up and have located a sports bar in Georgetown where we are confronted, upon entering the establishment, by a very good-looking young lady. Quiff falls in love with her. We proceed to the bar where we see an even better looking girl, one of those birds you can't keep your eyes off and would pay a lot of money for, and we all fall in love with her, although Quiff claims that she is his because he saw her first.

The bottles of Budweiser that we force down our necks every single night leave us with an immunity to its taste, there is simply no flavour to it, but we guzzle it down anyway, pausing for a moment to vow never to drink it again. The lack of women in the bar, except for the gorgeous bartender that Quiff keeps giving money to, forces us to re-evaluate our drinking location, we decide to find another bar down the street.

TIME: 22.00

An ugly ginger bird informs us of the best places to go on a Wednesday night and we head off to Rhino's where we pay $7 for all you can drink Miller Lite, grateful for the fact we don't have to drink Bud. We go upstairs in the hope that some birds might be up there, there aren't any, but we confront ourselves with winner-stays-on pool for an hour before gulping down as many vodka drinks as possible in the five minutes before our offer runs out.

The proposed 'quiet-one' evening has clearly been abandoned and we are now intent on getting totally leathered. We move downstairs and note that a few birds have showed up, giving us the excuse to get to the bar and drink until we feel drunk enough to demonstrate piss-take dancing in front of the whole bar.

Now, if you are a nice young girl enjoying a pleasant night out with a couple of friends, just intent on having a drink or two and a bit of a dance, and you are confronted by a group of five pastey white, glazey eyed British piss-heads, you are bound to be a little hesitant in talking to them.

Spare a thought then, for the three Californian girls that were the victims of our drunken advances. Gaz and Payno identifying their prey and going in for the kill, leaving Quiff to pick off the one remaining wilderbeast, a technique learned through a combination of studying the lions of the Serengeti Plain, and four years at university.

The next part of the evening is a bit of a blur, the vodka was obviously beginning to have an effect, and the birds were looking lovely. Fuller and Ellis decide enough is enough and head home in a taxi, only to ask the driver to stop in the red light district so they can relieve the aching pain in their groins..... Gaz disappears off with one of the birds on his arm, Quiff sings New York, New York to another in a deserted D.C. street at 05.00 after she said he was boring her, and Payno decides he has to stay in a hotel as it's obviously too far to walk back to the hostel.....