Jonola14

LOCATION: Richmond (Virginia).
DATE: 20/08/01.

TIME: 11.00

We check out and have a meal in an Irish place. Payno and Gaz annoy the waitress intensely by changing their drinks orders and confusing her.

TIME: 13.30

We locate the Greyhound station once more and wait. The knackered old early 1980's Hard Drivin' Atari arcade game becomes appealing and we all compete, Gaz emerging as the victor. Bus is delayed.

TIME: 15.30

We squeeze onto the bus, awaiting another arduous journey. Payno's patience is tested by the loud, piercing voice of some woman a row or two behind. He is also subjected to the sight of a fat black woman's sweaty arse as she bends over to get her bag from under her seat, accompanied by a lingering smell of urine coming from her direction, backed up by the sight of wet patches around the groin area and leaving us to conclude that at some point during the day she pissed herself.

Quiff overhears a conversation between two men about how one of them was arrested and charged with many offences, and another man that should have got off the bus earlier but forgot, leading us to the conclusion that the Greyhound coach system in North America is for convicts, strange families, dense people, and those with no bladder control.

TIME: 21.00

After an amusing taxi ride with a Jordanian racist spy that knew all about England and bore a remarkable resemblance to Borat from the Ali G show, we check in to a posh hotel and the first thing we do is snap the cistern chain in the room's toilet.

We pop next door to the 24 hour cafe and tucker up before heading off to an English bar just around the corner. We are delighted to see that the bar has Sky television and we can consequently find out football results from the past couple of days action. Quiff is furious about the ridiculous refereeing display between Everton and Tottenham and becomes so upset that he cannot concentrate on the round the table Trivial Pursuit game that has kicked off. Ellis shows that he clearly knows everything and the game rapidly, and inexplicably, descends into a heated argument about smoking in bars, resulting in Gaz leaving the table for a sulk, and a cigarette.

TIME: 02.00

The gothic waitress snatches what remains of our customary Bud bottles and kicks us out. Not being rat-arsed yet, we proceed to ask passers-by where to go. However, it appears Richmond, Virginia, can offer no night club or late bars so it looks like we'll have to head home and be forced to remember exactly what we did that night when we get up the next day.

There is still time, though, for Fuller to strike up conversation with a 6 foot black-eyed German leper, and for the rest of us to grab a black man and force him to sing New York, New York with us in the middle of the road.

We proceed back to the 24 hour cafe for some unwanted and totally unnecessary grub, validating our visit by convincing ourselves that it is just an early breakfast, and Payno risks incarceration by stuffing a blueberry muffin down his pants. Gaz then challenges Payno to a late night wrestle on the hotel room floor.