LOCATION: Buffalo (New York, USA).
DATE: 31/07/01.


TIME: 06.30

Our new, very cheap alarm clock wakes us up in enough time to collect our key deposit by 7am. Quiff is becoming exceedingly annoyed with his hand-luggage bag, and having to repeatedly unlock it, dubbing it "the evil lock!" Given the success of our 'Let's go USA' book, it has now been termed "the Bible!" We shall obey its orders at all cost.

TIME: 08.00

We struggle across New York to catch the Greyhound to Buffalo. Luck is with us, we claim the last two seats on the coach. The eight hour journey takes us through numerous remote places such as Syracuse, and we are also forced to undergo the experience of being driven by Hitler, an ageing veteran of the Vietnam conflict who appears to have confused a coach load of passengers with a newly formed battalion of 1970 US Marines. We decide that in order to pass away the hours spent on Greyhound, we will have a competition trying to identify the most isolated house in the USA.

TIME: 16.00

Buffalo is very quiet upon arrival. Payno thinks that it reminds him of Disneyland, an idea that is strengthened by the tram that runs through the central high street rather like Mickey Mouse' railway. We make some new friends from Kuwait and South Africa, Quiff becomes obsessed with the idea that they are gay lovers. We have the pleasure to eat in the restaurant that is reputed to have 'invented' Buffalo chicken wings.

Buffalo somewhat livens up at night, and the vintage car fair that we stumble across is replaced by lively locals enjoying Bud/Coors/Labatts 'Lite' in the evening. Never the types to require persuading, we embark on the first piss-up of our voyage, further encouraged by a friendly barman who keeps giving us cut-priced rounds. However, any hopes of an early break-through on the female front are to be fruitless. The barman's claim that the bar would be packed is totally incorrect, and our venture to other bars in search of local talent only results in the two of us forgetting that we are not in the UNION and subsequent humiliation as we attempt to introduce the concept of 'take-the-piss' dancing to the USA.

Payno is not happy about Captain Morgan 'Spice'.