Jonola14

LOCATION: Panama City Beach (Florida).
DATE: 12/08/01.

TIME: 11.30

We are at war. At 11.25 this morning, the Travellers released the following statement:

We, Captain Timothy David Payne, and Captain Jonathan Anthony Cook, after an unprecedented, unprovoked attack, declare war with the Ants. We tolerated their existence in our land, even let them consume the remnants of a spilt beer, but they have overstepped the mark this time. Their unforeseen and inappropriate actions leave us with no alternative. We shall defend ourselves in true heroical, honourable British fashion, until we defeat and conquer them. Their movements and their brutal attack must be assuaged.

At 11.20 on Sunday 12th August 2001, the Ants did spitefully invade the fresh washing of Captain Payne. They proceeded to conceal themselves cunningly on the camouflaged background of the crispy clean clothing, before mounting a full-scale biting attack when the item, a blue t-shirt, was worn.

The motive for the attack, perhaps down to overhearing Captain Payne's tales of holocaustic activity with the Ants in his younger days, is still yet to be deduced. It was a seething attack, the Ants waiting in anticipation before sinking their teeth into Captain Payne's soft skin. Captain Payne was left reeling, particularly after previous skirmishes with the Ants' allies, the Mosquitoes and the Flies, had left him with numerous visible blemishes. This activity has left Captain Payne in stinging pain, after up to 30 bites had been actioned.

TIME: 11.35

The Travellers are plotting counter-attacking tactics. It appears that Captain Cook will take his battalion to the left flank, armed with two Carvella (a sub-division of Howitzer) shoes, a flat Jack Daniels Watermelon Punch bomber, and a large amount of Off Bug Spray gas grenades. Captain Payne will take the right flank, penetrating the central right zone of the main conflict area. He will be armed with a Corelli novel bomber, an H-broom, and twelve Thrifty Dutchman flame-thrower matches. The two battalions shall attack the enemy's strongest zones, known as the Nest and the Table, before striking their isolated infantry in No Man's Land. The pincer movement MUST succeed in order to regain the T-shirt territory. We shall fight them in the Kabin, we shall fight them on the Porch, we shall fend off and we shall drive back the enemy, for they can take our spilt beer, they can take our Gatorade, but they will never take our t-shirts!

TIME: 11.40

The Carvella shoes prove ineffective against the quick movement of the Ants. Attention is shifted to the Jack Daniels bomber. A cunning weaopon, the cardboard is flown over the enemy infantry and dropped, covering them. As they flee, the cardboard is slid along the ground with heavy aerial force, causing the frail bodies of the enemy to be crushed and smeared over the battle ground. Captain Payne's use of the H-broom has the enemy scattered and running for cover. The counter-attack has been launched. Progress is slow, the mission, to recapture the T-shirt territory. It's underway.

TIME: 12.00

The Ants are on the retreat. The pincer movement is working nicely, but there are heavy casualties on both sides. Many Ants were caught in the Off Bug Spray and Thrifty Dutchman crossfire, whilst renegade commando Ants infiltrated the Travellers defence, initiating biting attacks on the unguarded ankles. The Battle of the Kabin is in the balance, T-shirt territory still heavily guarded by the incessant anthropods.

TIME: 12.10

The Travellers have called in reinforcements. The Americans are now involved. Just as Roosevelt refused, initially, to send troops to help the allies in World War Two, and provided ammunition and military craft instead, the Americans of this battle have provided no troops. We have, however, been given a secret weapon, a weapon developed over several years, a weapon that can surely seal our victory, a weapon to disperse and destroy the enemy, a weapon known as Ant Spray.

TIME: 12.15

Operation Kill The Bastards is quickly conceived and executed. Captain Cook's Carvella battalion has been allocated the task of mass cull. The Battle of the Kabin is taking a turn. The Carvella battalion swiftly wipe out the very left flank, capturing the key zone of Roof Support 1 and are heading east toward T-shirt territory. It is clear that the American Ant Spray is the dominant force in this battle, killing numerous Ants in its wake. Simple, but effective, this weapon fires out poisonous gases, that only Ants detect, at high speed, usually sending victims many inches in a gasping, anticipatory tumble. The highly toxic gases infiltrate the tiny lungs, filling them with a burning liquid, poisoning the bloodstream and ultimating in a final pulmonary implosion. Even if not in the direct wake of a spray, an Ant can be affected by the poison if in contact with it at any point up to four weeks after. Captain Payne's Thrifty Dutchman battalion has made excellent progress on the right flank, penetrating Table zone and awaiting the pincer movement at T-shirt territory upon the arrival of the Carvella battalion.

TIME: 12.20

Roof Support 1, and Decking Cracks 2,3,5,6 and 8 now belong to the Carvella battalion. The Union Jack is flying proudly in the centre of the zone known as the Nest. The Thrifty Dutchman battalion has seized territory to the east, including Decking Crack 7 and East Table Seat. Pincer movement now completed, the Travellers now regroup and combine forces at T-shirt territory. Operations Kill The Bastards is proving to be successful, so far.

TIME: 12.25

T-shirt territory, initially seized by the Ants in an early morning raid is the scene of pure carnage. The resilient Captain Payne, still affected by the previous brutality, suffers several further bites, Captain Cook too on the receiving end of commando Ant offensive tactics. The territory is part of the Table, the zone where the Ant defence is at its strongest. The Travellers tactic is simple. The Carvella battalion attack central Table, using the American Ant Spray to coat the zone in poison, a swamp of lung-burning acid offering the jaws of death to those that go near, whilst the Thrifty Dutchman battalion utilizes the H-broom to force Ants to fall from T-shirt territory down into the Table swamp of death.

TIME: 12.30

Operation Kill The Bastards is a success. The Travellers have the Ants on the retreat. The resulting scene is one of holocaustic dimension. Hundreds of Ant corpses lay motionless in the misty air of central Table, their bodies ravaged by the toxins of Ant Spray. Across the regions of Decking Cracks 2,3 and 5 to 8, East Table Seat and the Nest, incorporating Roof Support 1, the images are similar but on a lower scale. Deserter Ants are apparent, scurrying everywhere, fleeing for their lives. Roof Support 2 appears uninhabited, and the Carvella battalion quickly take what's left of Table zone. The Battle of the Kabin is won.

TIME: 13.30

We pop out to Wendy's for breakfast/lunch. The afternoon is hot, so we decide to play mini-golf as we both are knackered. Payno totally thrashes the pants off a pathetic, below-par (!) performance from Quiff, much to the latter's disgust. We go for a swim, and Quiff involves himself in an openly racist conversation about the correlating trends between high crime rates and high Afro-Caribbean population levels. This is unnerving for him, and he swiftly changes the subject to avoid offending anyone. The racist offender resembles a cross between Dracula and a Hells Angel, and says the word 'man' at least fifteen times a minute.

TIME: 18.00

We return to the scene of the Battle of the Kabin. It appears that Ant survivors have regrouped and embarked on their own counter-attack, apparently originating from Roof Support 2 where the Travellers have yet to command. They are shifting from their base and trying to recapture the Table, now under the efficient control of Captain Cook's Carvella battalion. Unfortunately the brave Ants, perhaps Kamikaze, are depleted in number and are no match for the military skills of this battalion, which quickly wipes out their advance via the use of Ant Spray. The battalion then seizes the opportunity to launch an offensive attack on Roof Support 2. Ant resistance is defeated.

TIME: 12.20

Operation Death Toll is underway, the mission, to clean up the miniscule anthropod carcasses littering the battlefields of the Table and the Decking Cracks. There is a sense of sorrow, a feeling of remorse that so many died for so little, but we were invaded, the Ants decided to take on the mighty Travellers, unaware of their military capacity. Our operations were successful, T-shirt territory regained and the enemy exterminated. Our only fear is further Ant alliances with the Mosquitoes and the Flies, and perhaps even the coalition of the Gnats, the Spiders, the Snakes or worse still - the Alligators.

TIME: 20.00

We frequent the Pizza Buffet once more, and proceed to stuff ourselves.

TIME: 20.45

London has been on the phone, the government want to promote us. We have been issued Commander status for our role in the Battle of the Kabin. The Victoria Cross could easily be within our reach. As the battle was tiring, we retire to bed early because another day on the Greyhound beckons.