Jonola14

LOCATION: New Orleans (Louisiana).
DATE: 08/08/01.

TIME: 11.00

We are awake. Headaches. No idea how we got home.

TIME: 12.00

Drink in cafe at top of World Trade Centre (revolving). We reflect on the previous day.

TIME: 13.00

We try and find somehwere for food. Eventually we do, we have fajitas. Try to get in casino, but Payno has forgotten his I.D.

TIME: 14.00

We visit the D-Day museum. In expectation of a typically pro-American presentation, probably featuring the phrase (in a typically slurred out American accent) 'The D-Day landings, sponsored by Bud, King of Beers', we are pleasantly surprised by a fair, unbiased, in-depth account of Operations Overlord and co, leaving us in a patriotic mood, proud to be British, and glad our ancestors gave the Krauts a damn good kicking. It gives us more motivation for our own mission, to show the yanks how to drink. We are further motivated by the sight of a British Union Jack flying proudly in the New Orleans wind. It appears Tropical Storm Barry has passed.

TIME: 18.00

We're in our dorm resting. A guy dressed in tight jeans, a studded cowboy belt and a tilted cowboy hat has just decided to start a band, consisting of him and his guitar, some guy with two bongo drums, and a mouth organist. They are practising right outside our room, and repeating their same three-song repertoire over and over and over again. Good guitarist though. Lots of yelling, whooping and cheering.

TIME: 19.00

We are anticipating our 'power drinking' session arranged for tonight. Splendid.

TIME: 22.00

The pizza we ordered half an hour ago still hasn't arrived. After a quick phone call, we find out the order was somehow cancelled. We re-order.

TIME: 22.30

Still waiting for organizer of power drinking session to show up. The lack of promised lager is clearly troubling us. Eventually they get themselves together and we head off to Dixie's, a local jaunt offering cheap beer and Bourbon whisky. The group begins to gel and we converse with a variety of people - a Canadian, a New Zealander, some Englsih bird, and the owner of the hostel. Quiff takes a shine to the bird in question, but is agitated by the presence of what he terms a 'spoiler'.

A spoiler is a bloke that will see a good-looking girl talking to a guy, and then come over and totally take over. Spoilers usually focus on the girl, and force the guy to take an outside position (often causing him to leave), but well-practised spoilers sometimes talk to the guy (causing the girl to feel awkward and leave_, and then search the girl out a few minutes later. It is a most frustrating and angering experience.

Quiff is seriously umimpressed when a tall, geeky, flat-headed yank that looks like a stereotypical apprentice traffic warden spoils a budding conversation between him and the female. Potential is wiped out, but much amusement is taken throughout the evening when the spoiler makes his moves. Repeatedly, his advances are thrown out by the bird. Justice seems to be taking place.

The owner of the hostel is a very interesting chap. The hostel, apparently voted the best hostel in the USA, has a small alligator pit out the back. Two small alligators live there and Ed (the owner) tells us about how he feeds them live rats, and the occasional pigeon. We fear for our safety. The last thing we want is to get pissed, trip, and fall into the pit.

The subject of safety in New Orleans also crops up. Ed reveals to us that he has only ever had two bad experiences whilst living there. One time he was in town, looking for a particular bar, when some guy tried to pinch his wallet. After a brief scuffle, and the police turning up, Ed gets away with kicking the robber in the face under the supervision of the arresting officer.

His second story consists of when he was walking down the road, some guy approached him, and we quote Ed "this guy just came up to me and stabbed me in the arm with an ice pick, just came up and fuckin' stabbed me man, right in the arm. Yeah! With a fuckin' ice pick, so I took it out my arm and stabbed him back!"

TIME: 01.00

We move bars with our new found friends, the yanks, spoiler, and Ed the psycho. The evening is highlighted by an incident involving Payno, a blonde South African bird, a local, and a simple mishearing.

Upon arrival, we note the jazz band playing live to a merry, packed, dancing audience, and by now the bourbons and coke from the previous bar are beginning to set in. We can feel the old shoulders beginning to dip in time with the music, and the tell-tale signs of feet-tapping, and the customary clicking of the fingers, accompanied by the obligatory cheesy grins. We resist the temptation of the main dance floor, choosing instead a position close to the busy bar.

In front of us, we notice a man dancing with a nice-looking blonde. They dance for a while, but eventually break off and stand apart. Payno decides to inform the man that he thinks the girl is good-looking. "Yeah, but it seems I'm just not good enough for her" the local man replies, "I can tell, 'cos I'm just a humble American". Payno appears confused, having suffered a fatal hearing error, and now thinks the man is gay and that he said he was a homo American. "Well why don't you go over there and try to pull another homo American?" Payno says to the man, fully expecting a pat on the back for adopting such a liberal, gay-tolerant attitude. The man smiles. "Go on buddy, see if you can pull another homo American" Payno repeats, digging a hole for himself. The man appears undisturbed, however, fortunately not twigging the repeated insults from Payno. We leave soon after, Quiff noticing warden spoiler looking dejected at the bar.