Mother says I am 'drunk as a fart'. Is it possible for farts to be drunk? I am confused.
Sender: Sophie C
Now there's a surprise
25/12/2002
Mother is currently in a flap, as the parsnips are taking a rather long time.
Sender: Simon S
To do what? Learn to breathe?
24/12/2002
Ha ha ha ha, Staying Alive.
Sender: Simon S
Brilliant, a drunken text message from Simon. Little was he to know that one of tbe Bee Gees was to die a mere three weeks later. Oh the irony.
07/12/2002
Some guy just presumed that I was the father of a five year old boy. This is not good.
Sender: Mark R
No, there may be others.....
07/12/2002
A women came into the pub tonight, went up to the landlord and said "cigarette machine?" He said, "No, I'm the landlord."
Sender: Shifty
04/12/2002
It really annoys me when someone eats a KitKat without breaking off the individual fingers.
Sender: Simon H
01/12/2002
"DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A KETTLE?"
Sender: Simon S
One of the support bands at the Toploader concert was EasyWorld. They were very good - just three of them - a crazy-looking drummer, the main guitarist, vocalist, piano-player bloke, and some token woman who looked rather out of place. When they walked on, Simon S wondered what she was doing and, rather loudly and during one of those untimely lulls in noise levels, uttered the above phrase.
27/11/2002
Just been caught attempting to slide down the stairs at work on a tray.
Sender: Simon H
Tray bien.
26/11/2002
Embarrassingly, I have just uttered very loudly in an important meeting, my satisfaction at a point raised with the word 'plendids'
Sender: Simon S
Plendids.
21/11/2002
Warm toilet seats are nice, but you always wonder who was there before.
Sender: Simon H
Why is everything toilet-related with you nowadays?
17/11/2002
Am on tube. Just me and another bloke in carriage. He is singing at me.
Sender: Mark R
14/11/2002
Don't you hate it when you have a shit and grimly discover that there is no toilet paper. Had to use a napkin in the end.
Sender: Simon H
Not whilst somebody's mouth was attached to it, I trust
13/11/2002
What do you call a man with a pig on his head? Mohammed.
Sender: Simon S
(Mo-ham-head, for those of you who didn't get it)
09/11/2002
... On goes the wig ... et voila!
Sender: Simon S
The fancy dress party we were about to attend filled me with a distinct sense of dread.
09/11/2002
Guildford is full of freaks who don't understand how the bus service works.
Sender: Simon H
Said Simon, on the wrong bus..
06/11/2002
Congratulations, you are getting a barclaycard and free premiership keyring. Well done.
Sender: Simon H
The amusing 'let's sign Simon up to as many credit cards as possible' game took an unexpected twist.....
31/10/2002
In Harrods, you can't spend a penny. It costs a pound.
Sender: Simon S
31/10/2002
I was followed down the street by a three foot witch demanding chocolate, bizarre!
Sender: Mark R
31/10/2002
Just bumped into Steve Coogan. Oops.
Sender: Simon S
Is he as unfunny as he is on television?
31/10/2002
As I can remember walking home last night, I assumed I was fairly sober. Just found out that I got a lift.
Sender: Simon H
30/10/2002
"Tube trains are currently cancelled until further notice."
Sender: Simon S
Simon grows to love the London transport system.
28/10/2002
I'm sure that Clarke Kent just got on my bus. Can't see any lycra though.
Sender: Shaun H
Or, evidently, a wheelchair.....
23/10/2002
PPPPRRRRIIIICCCCCCCKKKKKKK
Sender: Shaun H
The customary greeting, after I informed him I had just met Thierry Henry
22/10/2002
Great. The guy who lives upstairs from work is playing the piano - badly.
Sender: Simon H
If you value your customers (which, on second thoughts, I know you don't) then don't start singing.
17/10/2002
Currently selling turnips for a pound.
Sender: Simon S
16/10/2002
I am missing the football tonight due to a sheep on the line in Peterborough
Sender: Julia B
If I didn't know that she was on the train, this would have been a particularly intriguing message.
16/10/2002
By the looks of the people outside my office door, that rather nasty fart I did escaped outside.
Sender: Simon H
11/10/2002
You can get Bob the Builder live on video. How does that work?
Sender: Simon H
02/10/2002
The luvs on the bus are luvs luvs luvs, luvs luvs luvs etc.....
Sender: Simon H
Simon's daily bus journey to and from work is livened up by the presence of good looking school children, although they would be FAR too old for him.
26/09/2002
That's because they're outstanding in their field.
Sender: Simon H
Simon's all too predictable reply to my simple observation that a herd of cows that I drive past twice a day always stays in one corner of the field.
26/09/2002
Apple Strudle.
Sender: Shaun H
ummm, thanks for that. Isn't it spelt 'stroodle'?
24/09/2002
What's gravalax?
Sender: Simon H
What am I? A dictionary? An A to Z of stupid words??
After Pete T had pulled a lovely young lady called Tamsen the previous night, it was time for us all to get up and go for a greasy spoon at some local establishment. All out the door and ready to go, we realized we were missing somebody and cries of 'where's Tam' began to ring out. I merely said the word 'united' to Nick L and he giggled incessantly, claiming it to be the funniest thing he'd heard in a long time. I'm glad I don't live in North Wales like him.....
08/09/2002
"Great. Now, if you'll just open the doors, we'll do a runner."
Sender: Simon S
As the taxi pulled up to the end of my road, I uttered this to the driver. It tickled Simon by the sounds of things.
01/09/2002
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and slap the bastard.
Sender: Shaun H
31/08/2002
No ice, no women.
Sender: Simon S
Another misunderstanding between Simon and I results in a new phrase. Private joke, obviously.
29/07/2002
Clubbers in Yorkshire have been using dental syringes to injectn ecstasy into their mouths ..... this dangerous practice is known as 'E by gum'.
Sender: Simon S
Truly terrible, did you make that one up yourself?
24/07/2002
I just printed an excel document of 100 blank pages. Whoops.
Shunta has had a cast on his hand. It's not a full cast though, more of a HALF CAST.
Sender: Simon S
Simon H's broken hand attracted a large variety of 'cast' jokes.
16/07/2002
There was a young vampire called Mable, whose periods were heavy but stable. So every full moon, she'd take out a spoon and drink herself under the table.....
Sender: Julia G
Thank you, Julia.
15/07/2002
Let's play a game called hide and seek. I will hide and you will seek. If you find me, you can f*ck me, if you can't, I'm in the cupboard.
Sender: Julia G
1-2-miss-a-few-99-100 coming, ready or not.....
07/07/2002
"Don't leave me HY, don't leave me DAI" - that great Radiohead song 'HYUNDAI'.
Sender: Shaun H
A drunken song we created when following a Hyundai down to Brighton.
29/06/2002
I shall wave in a suitably embarrassing fashion on arrival.
Sender: Simon S
I had arranged to meet Simon S on the train to London, and I was waiting on a busy platform at Guildford station. Sure enough, five minutes later, the train rattled in with Simon S' large frame hanging dangerously from one of the windows.
After I alighted, I pointed out the 'Do Not Lean Out Of The Window' sign to him, although he took no notice.
28/06/2002
I hurt my knee jumping over hedges
Sender: Shaun H
Ummm, right, a little bit of advice? Jump higher.
20/06/2002
If Beckham scores, I'll drink Becks and if Scholes scores, I'll drink Skol but thank f**k Seaman's a goalie!!
Sender: Simon S
01/06/2002
I appear to have a balloon tied to my left ankle.
Sender: Simon S
Hot air balloon?
26/05/2002
"Just pretend that everything is normal."
Sender: Simon S
For Simon H's fancy dress birthday party, I dressed myself up as an erect penis. Whilst stood in the men's toilets in the pub, somebody who wasn't part of the party came in and I uttered the above phrase. You kind of had to be there.
21/05/2002
Where crew you? It's early evening.
Sender: Simon H
Simon H clearly struggles to come to terms with the phenomenon of predictive text.....
02/05/2002
Apart from 24 hours in a Chinese hospital with food poisoning with all sorts of needles being pushed into me, things are fine, thank you. I still fancy you Jon.
Sender: Nick L
That one seemed normal until the last five words, then I realised that somebody must have borrowed my phone.....
20/04/2002
I just got told to get my ASS out of the office.
Sender: Simon S
Upon visiting a gadget shop in Cardiff, I stumbled across a stainless steel tea coaster shaped in the word 'ass'. I presented it to Simon during a night out in Guildford and we proceeded to use it to its full potential, creating lines such as 'would you like to touch my ass?' and 'let's haul ass!' This is what happened when he took it to work the next day.....
20/04/2002
Can I have three poppadums with that?
Sender: Simon S
Not funny really.
03/04/2002
My right nostril is like Niagara Falls.
Sender: Simon S
Does that mean you have queues of people boarding the 'Maid of the Mist' in order to see what all the fuss is about? No wonder the water was green...
02/04/2002
Stennetts have a new deal with D****s in sight..... but one of us lads has got to date the big bear! You are current favourite due to your single status.
Sender: SJ
SJ, my cousin and boss, decides that his family business needs expanding. After a lunch meeting with a representative of another company (I took the clever option of omitting their name in case of repercussions), I received the above message. My reply is unrepeatable, but let's just say that the phrase "a lorry load of free flour" came into it. Self-raising, let's hope.
31/03/2002
Thinking about your donkey, thinking about your ass.
Sender: Simon S
With reference to Janice Toplin's 'Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz' song, Simon and I alter the words and come up with this rather impressive masterpiece.
31/03/2002
"I feel like a giant raspberry"
Sender: Simon S
Again, whilst walking back from a drunken night out, this time in Cranleigh, I find myself sandwiched between two luvvy duvvy couples - Simon and Michelle + Shaun and Jo. Confused, and also carrying a bannister, I announce "I feel like a giant raspberry". Not being a fruit enthusiast, I failed to notice my error in mistaking a raspberry for a gooseberry.
30/03/2002
Holy Mother Tucker
Sender: Simon S
During one of the numerous drunken nights out in Guildford that seem to occur far too often, I am introduced to a male friend of my sister. This guy has rather protruding features and could be considered unfortunate when God was dealing out good-looks. As I rejoin Simon at the table, I say "I just met Tucker, first name Holy Mother".....
28/03/2002
Roger Mycock kas just called me.
Sender: Simon S
Simon's job in porn-star recruitment takes an unpredictable turn...
27/03/2002
"You snogged her."
Sender: Simon S
Whilst on the phone to Simon, we began talking about one of my sister's friends. It just so happened that, being on speakerphone, Simon's girlfriend could hear every single word I said. Imagine, then, the tenseness of the situation when the discussion deviated and I blurted out the phrase "you snogged her". Oops.
23/03/2002
Pompey bore draw...And my car gets broken in, all my holiday luggage nicked!
Sender: Alex MacH
Not only does he travel over an hour to watch a 0-0, actionless draw, but his car gets vandalised AGAIN and more stuff stolen.....
23/03/2002
Jonny...etc
Sender: Simon S
Whilst watching the six nations rugby match between England and Wales, I am rather impressed by Jonny Wilkinson's performance and decide to share my opinion with Simon S via a text message reading 'Jonny is God'. This continues as Jonny scores more points for his country, until Simon sends this little gem, as Wilkinson breaks another record.
22/03/2002
Oh, washing machine.
Sender: Simon S
My early morning quote, see explanation below.
22/03/2002
I'm still drunk, I've no idea where my car is, and I've got to be at work in 10 minutes.
Sender: Simon S
After a motiveless night out in Guildford, we attempted to get up to go to work the next morning. Simon was temporarily delayed by the inability to locate his left shoe. In a flash of brilliance, I remembered that I had, ever so kindly, put it in the washing machine for him.
18/03/2002
Now I'm in a strip club. Fantastic.
Sender: Simon H
Knowing that I have received a London atlas for my birthday, Simon phones up one Monday afternoon and asks me where he is. Not being able to see him, I tell him that I don't know and he asks me to get my atlas. He informs me that he has been trying to find a pub that is showing the football and has now lost his way. I tell him that my atlas won't help because it's not a street atlas and doesn't list residential areas. We say our goodbyes and Simon mutters something undecipherable under his breath. And then I receive this.
15/03/2002
Happy day after your birthday.
Sender: Simon H
Very kind.
10/03/2002
Please welcome Ted.
Sender: Simon S
Upon arrival at Alex's house and ready to sink a few beers, we meet Raj. An entertaining and happy chap, he puts Blind Date on the tele and soon becomes very excited. But why? we ask. Raj proceeds to explain that a friend of his is due to appear on Blind Date and is fortunate enough to be 'the picker'. He also says that his friend, who's rather distinctive name was Anil, picked a Scottish girl with whom to spend their date.
Imagine, then, the moment when the three 'lucky' girls introduce themselves and Number One shows off her broad Scottish accent. "This is it, I don't believe it!" Anil cries, barely able to control the tones of his voice and giving the cushion he is holding a hard slap every few seconds. "Get the video, Alex, record it, record it, QUICK!" Alex hurries to the video and crams the cassette into the slot, much to the unsatisfactory whirs of the recorder. Meanwhile, Cilla Black is waffling on about something or other and Raj is uncontrollable. "Anil, you're a lucky man, she's fit as well" Raj blurts out as the moment finally arrives. Cilla takes the stage once more, "And now, it's time to meet our very special guest. He's tall, he's handsome, he's from right here in London....." Raj is on the edge of his seat and we're all glued to the television, "Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome ..... Ted!"
I cried with laughter, Simon S almost dropped his beer in merriment, Raj sat there distraught and Alex turned off the video.
It was a good start to the night.
10/03/2002
WARNING: fun.
Sender: Simon S
The warning sign in McClusky's bar lingers in our memory. Shame the rest of the evening is a little hazey.....
10/03/2002
I have a hangover roughly the size of your gash.
Sender: Simon S
Simon mistakenly sends this message to me, rather than to his mother.
10/03/2002
Rittle and Raj.
Sender: Simon S
The drunken creation of a Japanese version of Little and Large, hence Rittle and Raj, coincides with a mickey-take of Raj's name.
08/03/2002
I want to take your top off with my teeth, put my hands all over your body, put my tongue around your hole and suck out your juices. Budweiser - how do you drink yours?
Sender: Julia G
Now now Julia, calm down. Although if you're offering.....
07/03/2002
I can't cheerlead anyway, I don't have a skirt.
Sender: Shaun H
Shaun's proposal to support me during my debut for the Alfold 1st XI falls short when he realises that he lacks the appropriate attire, although pom-poms were available.
07/03/2002
I've just gone to put my jacket on and realised that it has got 'prick' written on it in chalk. You bastard.
Sender: Simon H
Yep.
07/03/2002
"Oh look, a three-way drainpipe."
Sender: Simon S
Simon re-iterates one of my drunken quotes recorded on his answerphone. I actually meant a three-way manhole cover, but hey-ho the wonders of lager.....
06/03/2002
Great. A very persistent floater.
Sender: Simon H
Well just fill up a bucket and pour it over the top, like you do at home.....
04/03/2002
Nice ass.
Sender: Simon S
I meet Simon's future mother-in-law, who promptly shows me photos of the holiday in Mexico on which Simon went. A photo of Simon holding a donkey crops up and I announce the now famous phrase in front of a large group of strangers.
03/03/2002
I have a hangover the size of Jordan's right breast.
Sender: Simon S
And I have one the size of her left. Which, apparently, is a considerable amount larger.
02/03/2002
B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D B O R E D.
Sender: Simon H
Simon whiles away the drive to Chester by sending me messages from the back seat of the car.
02/03/2002
....and....voila! A tin bath with a load of used facial towels...
Sender: Simon S
My magic abilities take a turn for the worst as I use a restaurant dry-wipe to reveal a tacky tin bath full of used facial towels.
02/03/2002
Mind the bins.
Sender: Simon S
On entering a Guildford Chinese restaurant, I notice three tall, matching Porcelaine vases and make a comment. Guess you had to be there.
01/03/2002
Yeth, yeth, yeth. Well, yeth. Hold on, I'll just remove my gumshield.
Sender: Simon S
I'm in the middle of molding my gumshield when Simon rings up.
25/02/2002
We threw darts at each other.
Sender: Simon H
Reminiscing about the previous day's antics, Simon reminds me of exactly what happened.
23/02/2002
Britain's most famous stripper comes from Petersfield, apparently.
Sender: Simon S
Paint stripper?
15/02/2002
1 phone, 2 cans of deodorant, a discman, a palm, lots of keys and an electric shaver. Think I need to empty my jacket pockets.
Sender: Simon H
12/02/2002
I just pissed on my shoe.
Sender: Simon H
Simon's potty training was going rather badly.
02/02/2002
An eskimos car breaks down and a welshman stops to help. He tells the eskimo "the problem is you've blown a seal." The eskimo replies "so what, you shag sheep."
Sender: Simon H
hmmmm.
23/01/2002
There is a cat on the bus. That's not something you see every day.
Sender: Simon H
Did it buy a ticket?
12/01/2002
The Argentine lake duck has a 16 inch penis.
Sender: Simon S
11/01/2002
ATCHOOO.
Sender: Simon S
Bless you.
11/01/2002
I just opened a can of spaghetti and got my finger stuck in the ringpull.
As a chef, surely you shouldn't be using canned food.....?
10/01/2002
You pretended to be Jewish.
Sender: Simon H
Whilst watching a Spurs game in the pub, a rather arrogant, loud, foul-mouthed Chelsea yob stood next to me kept yelling racist comments at the TV directed at the Spurs fans. I was so fed up with listening to his bull-shit that I told him I was Jewish, my whole family were Jewish and he was being offensive. After that, he shut up. The whole thing was a fabrication, obviously.
07/01/2002
"Mike's burnt the casserole."
Sender: Simon S
Simon S is tickled by my story of how my stepfather burnt the casserole that mother took hours preparing.
02/01/2002
Michelle appears to have Shakey Leg Syndrome.
Sender: Simon S
I'll leave this one up to your imagination.....
02/01/2002
I've just bought a punnet of mushrooms.
Sender: Simon H
01/01/2002
I have now officially got a clean driving licence. Woo hoo!
Sender: Simon S
What amazes me is that you've managed to keep it from your parents for the last four years.
