I was in the supermarket the other day, I met a man and a woman wrapped up in a bar code. I said to them "are you two an item?"
Sender: Simon S
31/12/2001
One nation rugby tournament.
Sender: Simon H
A reminder of a very funny concept we concocted in the pub the night before.
29/12/2001
Jubbly.
Sender: Simon S
Simon S takes the piss out of my modern terminology.
25/12/2001
Merry Thingy.
Sender: Simon S
Christmas?
23/12/2001
Shaun went outside to get some bread in his pants. He is quite cold now.
Sender: Simon H
Why did he want to get bread in his pants?
22/12/2001
I've just seen Father Christmas on a scooter.
Sender: Simon S
Simon S goes down to the Santa's Grotto Millennium Edition in Guildford high street.
22/12/2001
"Small, medium or large?"
Sender: Simon S
Simon S re-lives the incident when his girlfriend asked him to buy some Tampax for her, but I happened to be with him when he went to buy it. Stood in front of the broad Tampax display, I asked him, in rather a loud voice, "small, medium or large?".
20/12/2001
Simon H: "isn't it interesting that the first three letters of funeral are FUN."
Sender: Simon S
Yes it is interesting. Sick, but interesting.
15/12/2001
Currently with a workmate, who has just revealed he is gay.
Sender: Simon S
Homophobic Simon?
13/12/2001
mmubmmbm
Sender: Simon S
Simon re-iterates my t-temporary s-s-sapeech impedimmument.
08/12/2001
I love you.
Sender: Simon H
My assumption that Simon S has sent me a message from Simon H's phone proves to be correct. I'm touched. No, really.....
08/12/2001
Currently aboard a pink float.
Sender: Simon S
Just don't ask, don't bloody ask.
07/12/2001
Ooh, what a nice set of knockers.
Sender: Simon S
Simon's trip to Robert Dyas takes a climatic turn.
07/12/2001
Put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away. Hey!
Sender: Simon H
Luckily, he explained to me that this is a quote from the Simpsons, which, in turn, is quoting from a song in Reservoir Dogs.
03/12/2001
Currently receiving a blow job.
Sender: Simon S
Ugh! Actually this one is a lie, by the time he'd finished texting, Simon was at the wipe-up stage.
29/11/2001
Between now and January, I want to be known as Shunta Claus.
Sender: Simon H
Well if that means you have to drink a lot and get fat, then that's a most appropriate nickname.
25/11/2001
OK don't panic but hot or not is down for maintenance.
Oh my God. The hitch-hiker is chasing the bus. He is using his giant thumb as a pogo stick.
Sender: Simon H
Simon H's bus journey gets a tad boring.
18/11/2001
Did you hear about the duck that took a vow of silence? He quacked under pressure.
Sender: Simon S
17/11/2001
A horse.
Sender: Simon S
A reminder of my adaptation of the tune to the Merecedes Benz advert: "Oh Lord won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz? My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends. I work hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends. Oh Lord, won't you buy me a horse?"
17/11/2001
It's all a veritable hodge podge!
Sender: Matt G
It certainly is Matt, it certainly is.
16/11/2001
I once had a ONE-2-ONE with a VIRGIN, she teased me 'til I got an ERICSSON, sucked me 'til my face went ORANGE, then I busted my load of SIEMEN over her NOKIAS.
Sender: Rik F
16/11/2001
Currently playing with a fart machine in Debenhams, amusing everyone that walks past.
Sender: Simon S
Simple things please simple minds, or whatever.
13/11/2001
Mugger and a thief. Goodness!
Sender: Simon S
And another.....
13/11/2001
Granny beater and a thief. You bastard.
Sender: Shaun H
Shunta's brother Shaun joins in the 'Let's label Jonola as a criminal' campaign.
13/11/2001
Mugged anyone today?
Sender: Simon H
Shunta takes an interest in my innocent run-ins with the police.
09/11/2001
Currently shaving in traffic due to bad time management.
Sender: Simon S
07/11/2001
WOO HOO, another parking ticket.
Sender: Simon S
Why don't you just pay the parking? It's SO much easier.
06/11/2001
Currently sitting on a very cold toilet seat.
Sender: Simon H
Lovely, just lovely.
05/11/2001
I'm love spotting.
Sender: Simon H
Job's going well then mate.
03/11/2001
They say all sheep are alike. Actually they have mutton in common.
Sender: Simon S
It's a good effort for a joke, but unfortunately is less funny than Ben Elton.
02/11/2001
F*cking hell, I thought that was your dick!
Sender: Simon H
Simon H reiterates Jim Davidon's most amusing comment to me, just before the Generation Game host explained the mark on his head as from when Mr Blobby hit him on the head with an exploding sausage.
30/10/2001
Rolf Harris: "Can I see your beaver?"
Sender: Simon S
Who on Earth has a beaver for a pet anyway?
30/10/2001
Graham Norton: "I like all people's willies, I'm not a fussy eater."
Sender: Simon S
Just your sort of viewing Simon.
26/10/2001
I have no clothes on.
Sender: Simon S
Happy Birthday from Michelle is it?
26/10/2001
"Come on darling."
Sender: Simon S
After the Tampax incident (on homepage) Simon relives my humourous quote.
26/10/2001
Did a huge fart on the loo earlier and a car alarm went off.
Sender: Simon H
Charming message mate, thanks for the info.
23/10/2001
I have to buy some Tampax.
Sender: Simon S
Please tell me it's not for you, PLEASE tell me it's not for you.
19/10/2001
Help me John Paul the Second, you are my only Pope.
Sender: Simon S
A religious version of Princess Lea's famous speech.
I've just eaten an entire family bag of Maltesers.
Sender: Simon S
We always said you were fat. You claimed you were "big boned", but that just confirms it.
10/10/2001
Pink valence.
Sender: Simon S
I'm not going to even attempt to explain this one.
06/10/2001
I've just juggled some balls.
Sender: Simon S
Whose?
01/10/2001
I wonder what it's like to be a rainmaker.
Sender: Simon S
If I didn't know you were quoting from a Matchbox Twenty song, then I would assume you to be odd. Very odd.
09/09/2001
Queen Mother's still alive then. How disappointing.
Sender: Simon S
If the Queen Mother dies, we all get a national day's holiday. I can understand hard-working people looking forward to that, but as you are on the dole Mr Stacpoole, I fail to comprehend your disappointment.....
08/09/2001
Customer Notice: From June 2001, viagra can only be purchased from chemists using its chemical name. Please ask for 'mycoxafloppin'. Thank you.
Well you should know by now that flattery gets no nowhere. Or is that a flat battery?
03/09/2001
Aroused elephants are characterised by a dribbling penis. Hmmm.
Sender: Simon S
28/07/2001
I love summer. Loads of women in a state of near-nakedness. Tremendous.
Sender: Simon S
Simon S rubs in the fact that I am stuck at home in bed recovering from the flu and he is out and about dribbling over lovely young ladies. Apparently he offers them sweets (wine gums usually).
24/07/2001
See, am not as bigger Internet reject as you thought! .........hope you are suitably impressed. Beccy. p.s. Boro rule (free accident claim advice 08000842846)
Sender: Beccy H
Beccy demonstrates that she is not an Internet reject, but what's the accident claim thing all about?
Shunta reminds me of his comment to Annie's dad after her 21st birthday party. After finishing a chicken drumstick and not being able to find anywhere to dispose of the remnants without littering the place, Simon marched up to Mr Klinker, chicken bone protruding in front of him and, straight-faced, asked if there was anywhere he could stick his bone.
11/07/2000
I'm just going to shut the door cos the cat can't
Sender: Simon S
A priceless exclamation uttered by Charlotte Vaughan. In trying to explain to Simon and I that she was closing her bedroom door to prevent her cat from escaping during the night, she got her words mixed up. The message is a mere reminder of a very funny mistake.
