« NEGATIVE RESPONSES | Main | (I TRIED TO) ENJOY THE VUE »

January 17, 2005

THAT'S A PIZZA BULL-SHIT

Ironically, I was just about to take my Sainsbury's own Pepperoni Pizza (two for £4) out of the oven in time for the start of Eastenders when the buzzer for the electric gates went. Thinking it was Alex back early from his football tournament, I picked up the phone handset which links to the gate and I said hello.

"I've got a pizza delivery for a Mister MacMorton?" this young, Watfordian voice said back down the phone. "Oh" I said, assuming that Alex had had another forgetful moment by not remembering to cancel his pizza order, "he's not actually here at the moment, but I'll take it for him". So I pressed the button to activate the gates.

Knowing that Alex was out for most of the evening and realising that he surely wouldn't have ordered a pizza, I grew suspicious so I grabbed a golf club from my old set of clubs and lay it on the sofa, ready to grab in case the 'pizza delivery boy' turned out to be something a little bit more nasty.

An hour has now passed and there has been no sign of any moped scooting up the drive to the house, there has been no sign of anyone knocking at the door and there sure as hell hasn't been any sign of any pizza. This gets me thinking.

I am alone in an old farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, it's pitch black, the neighbours in the house fifty feet away have gone on holiday and I've just let a stranger in through the electric gates. What do I do?

Do I ignore it, pass it off as an errant pizza and carry on as normal? Do I treat it as mildly suspicious and go outside to investigate, in the knowledge that there might be a crazy man loitering in the undergrowth ready to stab me with a kitchen knife? Do I venture over to next door's house to make sure the bogus call wasn't an attempt to gain access before a burglary? Do I go and have a look down the driveway to see if the ten-foot, iron security gates are still there (they've been stolen before!)? Or do I just sit here, thinking about what it might and might not be, weighing up the pros and cons of each answer?

If I go outside, I risk being ambushed by a psychotic, knife-wielding murderer but if I stay here, I'll be safe, but for how long and what would all my friends say about such a wimpy decision.

I suppose I could always wait until Alex comes back and see if he makes it through the door alive...

Posted by jonola14 at January 17, 2005 9:00 PM