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June 6, 2004

BEN AND CAROLE COOK

Leicestershire really is quintessential middle-England - lots of small villages, thatched roofs, tea rooms and flower shows at the local church. Hallaton, though, wasn't going to entice the locals to the church for a slice of apple pie and a sniff of the begonias, no, it was to host my brother's wedding.

On Friday night there was a quick rehearsal with the key figures in preparation for the 2.30pm service the following day. As Head Usher and Master of Ceremonies, I had duties to fulfil, plus the fact that I was to do a reading in the service.

"Let's test your volume" the church representative said, "there's a microphone on the lecturn so go up there and read a few lines from the Bible". So I wandered off and pretended that it was the big day. I slowly approached the lecturn, cleared my throat, put my finger on a random paragraph on a random page and proceeded to read about someone's circumcision.....

Once we were all sorted, we went off to have a bite to eat in the local pub with all the arriving guests before heading off to our accommodation for a couple of beers and a good night's sleep. Debs is spreading a rumour that I woke up in the middle of the night and declared that "I want my teddy bear". Obviously this is a complete fabrication and I completely deny the alleged incident.

The big day arrived. So what did a select few of us do on the morning of the wedding, including the Groom and the Best Man? Yes, we played golf. Just the nine holes, but golf none-the-less. To add excitement and to avoid zapping our energy, we hired buggies. Now THEY are fun. We sped around the course like the juvenile imbeciles we so want to be and we completed the round on time, relaxed and calm.

After the Usher's lunch in the pub down the road from the church, we headed off and waited for the masses to arrive for the ceremony. The Groom was surprisingly calm and seemed perfectly at home with the idea of officially signing his batchelor life away - it was only when the Bride walked up the aisle that his heart began to beat more erratically.

The scene was lovely - friends and family all gathered together to celebrate the joining of two people so clearly made for each other, flowers brightening up the surroundings and over a hundred voices belting out three of everybody's favourite hymns. Indeed it all got a bit much for me and I must admit to being fabulously overwhelmed by the occasion and shedding a few tears during the second verse of Jerusalem.

After Mr and Mrs Cook left the church and we'd all made our way to Noseley Hall for the reception, we drank champagne on the lawn and had photographs taken with the Bride and Groom.

Dinner ensued and with it my duties as Master of Ceremonies. Shouting at around 150 people is not something I do every day, but it was kind of fun after a while, particularly when it came to introducing the speeches.

The Father of the Bride's made his speech wearing a hard hat and a luminous yellow jacket because that's his work outfit and therefore his 'comfort zone'! Ben's speech was typically brilliant with humour, honesty, compliments and sophistication all in a totally relaxed, professional manner which earned him a well-deserved standing ovation.

And then the Belli stood up as the Best Man and gave the most amusing speech I have ever heard. After a few introductory jokes about women, Belli informed the audience that "innocent until proven guilty are not words often associated with a wedding". At that point everybody turned round to see Lloydy (fellow usher) standing up at the back of the room, tapping a spoon on the table and declaring that the court was in session. When people turned round again, Belli was wearing an authentic judge's wig and had spectacles half way down his nose.

Judge Belli then asked the Bailiffs (Thommo and Lloydy) to bring the 'defendant' to the front for cross-examination and then presented the case of The People versus Cook, consisting of five serious allegations with the audience judging him innocent or guilty on each case and therefore acting as the Jury.

Case 1 - Monkey
"Mr Cook, is it true that as a child you had a very special friend?"
"ummmm"
"Mr Cook, is it not true that this was someone you cared about and cherished every day of your childhood life?"
At which point I stood up from my seat in the centre of the court with Ben's favourite childhood soft toy on my arm, making this thirty year-old Monkey wave and bow to the hysterical Jury, before walking over to the defendant and placing Monkey on his knee. Guilty as charged.

Case 2 - Hair Dye
Jonny and Lloydy handed out envelopes to the Jury as Judge Belli told the story of how Ben persuaded two of his mates to dye their hair blonde whilst holidaying in Salcombe. The Jury extracted the envelopes and were confronted with evidence showing that the hair dye experiment resulted in three men with dyed GINGER hair. Guilty as charged.

Case 3 - Arsenal
A die-hard (no pun from previous case intended) Spurs fan, the Jury was presented with evidence of Ben being a closet Arsenal fan and posing for the camera in an Arsenal shirt. Guilty as charged.

Case 4 - Golf
Judge Belli gave an account of when Ben was photographed wearing a large sombrero when he should have actually been playing golf with a client. Conclusive proof that his golf is poor. Guilty as charged.

Case 5 - Rugby
The Jury was presented with evidence of Ben who always claims to be an ardent English Rugby fan, including journeying all the way to Australia for the World Cup Final, posing in a Welsh rugby shirt. The Jury was divided on this one, but the decision was made because "I'm the Judge and I say you're guilty". Guilty as charged.

"Bailiffs, take him down". At which point the entire audience got up and gave a huge standing ovation to Belli who truly deserved it.

Soon after that, card had been opened (including one from Gary Lineker), the wedding cake had been cut, Nan had had a cake for her 83rd birthday and the dancing was underway. After shouting at everyone a few more times, my duties were over and I could concentrate on my drinking sprint since I had consumed barely any alcohol until that time.

Carnage on the dancefloor ensued, particularly for 'Gold' and we all staggered off to bed totally exhausted but thoroughly entertained.

Well done Sophie for singing so beautifully in the church; to all the ushers for a grand job; to the Belli for making me hurt with laughter and congratulations to Mr and Mrs Ben Cook.

Posted by jonola14 at June 6, 2004 11:09 PM

Posted by: The Belli at June 21, 2004 6:08 PM

Posted by: Jonola at June 24, 2004 4:22 PM

Posted by: shunta at June 28, 2004 6:56 PM

Posted by: Jonola at July 1, 2004 12:18 PM