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December 30, 2003

CHRISTMAS TIME

Corlummy, was that Christmas? My, didn't it fly.

So, what happened? WELL, here are the highlights:

1) Falling asleep during the Queen's speech

2) Watching Sophie's rabbit devour a piece of my brother's recently decorated wall.

3) Slagging off Edwina Currie at every available opportunity whilst watching celebrity Weakest Link, only for my brother to sum up her career with "she told everyone not to eat eggs, had an affair with John Major and then retired".

4) Eating enough food to satisfy the starving masses of the post-earthquake disaster zone of Bam, Iran.

5) Seeing Steve McFadden (aka Phil Mitchell) as Captain Hook in pantomime in Woking. Report below:

Peter Pan Pantomime

OOOH no it wasn't.

There we were - my stepfather, mother, sister, brother, brother's fiance and I all scurrying for our seats as the curtain was raised. Armed with large foam thumbs, Ben and I went about beating my sister with them for absolutely no reason whenever we could, much to the tutting delight of the people behind us.

Mike announced that as soon as his Old Cranleighan and current The Eagle radio dj friend Peter Gordon came on stage as one of the pirates, he was going to shout ONE NORTH to try to raise a response.

On came a comedian Buttons-like character pushing a cart full of fruit. He introduced himself as Smee and went through his repertoire of original, but mostly groan-producing (and therefore SPLENDID) jokes. One of which was as follows:

*Smee puts down fruit-shaped mobile phone and makes amusing, yet predictable joke about being on Orange. Smee picks up a cabbage*

"Had a sheepdog sniff this one this morning"
(*Smee repeatedly tosses cabbage into air and catches it*)

"Yeah, he thought it was a collie". (Ba boom tisch).

Everybody in their right mind understood that it was a clever pun, playing on cauliflower (caulie) and a Collie dog. Every single member of the audience laughed heartily, including the four year old boy in front of us who could barely breathe from giggling so much. As the laughter died down and near silence descended once more, the solitary voice of my blonde sister was heard.

"I don't get it".

Peter Pan soon turned up (which was handy because that was the lead role) and asked the audience for their participation.

"When Peter Pan says do something, you all DO IT, ok?"

"Peter Pan says 'stand up'", so everyone reluctantly stood up, jackets, drinks and ice cream tubs tumbling to the floor. "Peter Pan says 'put your hands on your head'" so we all put our hands on our heads, only for the flick of my brother's fist to connect with my knackers and double me up, causing me to almost headbutt the poor boy in front.

Cue the appearance of nasty Captain Hook and his pirates, mega-volume booing from Ben and I and frantic gesticulating of the foam thumbs.

"ONE NORTH!"

The interval soon appeared and with it a lengthy delay while mother dealt with her bladder, only for her to return with a large foam thumb for Sophie and a flashing blue bristle stick for herself. I have a lunatic family.

And so it continued, Ben and I ogling at the barely-dressed actresses and remarking how similar the Magic Mermaid was to Sophie's true-life personality, not to mention badly timed booing, wrestling for the arm-rests and mimicking the distinctive tones of my stepfather.

All in all it was jolly good fun.

OH NO IT WASN'T.

Posted by jonola14 at December 30, 2003 9:40 PM

Posted by: Wibbler at December 30, 2003 10:15 PM

Posted by: Jon A at January 6, 2004 2:48 PM

Posted by: Jac at January 12, 2004 10:50 PM