Jonola14

Friday 20th December - fell asleep in nightclub whilst talking to four Russian girls and trying to learn their language.

Saturday 21st December - night out in Kingston where I extended my linguistic capablities to include Albanian.

Sunday 22nd December - a house party in Luton. The landlord happened to bat for the wrong side and invited a load of his friends along. Consequence - a house full of gays and fag hags, Mark R and I were very afraid when asked to 'pop outside for a fag'.

Events of the evening included: redecorating the nativity scene with a mince pie chimney, popcorn snow and two plastic dinosaurs we got from crackers; pouring the remaining popcorn over Amy's head, which completely littered the floor, then scarpering; Mark R's traumatic visit to the little boy's room when he saw two males come out of the bathroom at the same time; the gay landlord's 'welcome, welcome', 'I'm an Oompa Lumpa', 'have a malteser' and 'standby, standby' (said into a plastic cup) phrases which had us in stitches for the entire duration; stealing and emptying two large bottles of champagne; and drinking three quarters of a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Monday 23rd December - 'ring, ring' went my telephone. "ummmm, I think we'd better get up now" Mark R said with the distinctive undertones of a severe hangover. I looked at the clock. 8am. "Shit" I said, realising that I had to be at work in half an hour and that 8am is the time I usually leave the house. I then realised I was in fact still fully clothed and that I had no recollection of getting home.

Tuesday 24th December - Christmas Eve - a lunchtime buffet at work preceded an evening with family and friends. I was presented with a remote control car (for the second year running), a small skateboard, and a bath plug shaped as a pair of breasts.

Christmas Eve presents were never meant to be useful, tasteful or even liked but this year really was special. The remote control car I had last year has remained in its box, soon to be joined by this year's addition. The small skateboard is to be donated to my Flat Eric so he can pose, and the bath plug is absolutely marvellous, although I don't have a bath. Thanks, though, to everybody.

Midnight mass was soon on the agenda and I got so bored during it that I slipped out and went to meet an extremely inebriated Simon H in the pub.

Thursday 26th December - Boxing Day (or Christmas 2 as it's known in my house) - splendid. Enough said.

Friday 27th December - played golf in the day and went to the pub in the evening. At the end of the night, I was seen to volley my brothers kebab, splattering the remains of numerous pigeons, pet cats and general roadkill all over him.

Brilliant. Happy christmas. But it's only fair to warn people that the Albanian you learned on the 21st was most definately of the 'carnal' variety, with a smattering of 'illegal immigrant'.

I know, I know. Next you'll be telling me that she had a bushy moustache, a kebab in one hand and a copy of Al Quaeda Monthly in the other...

And saying, "Does my bomb look big in this?"

December 28, 2002

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