Jonola14

Big Iss-choo

jonola14 — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 20:17:42 +0000

It had been a pretty busy morning. One of those mornings when everybody wanted something right away. Learning to prioritize is crucial in the digital world, some things just have to take preference over others. So it got to lunchtime, in fact it got to well after lunchtime, and my stomach began to rumble so I wandered onto Kensington High Street, my mind still on my work, in search of something to eat.

I heard a man sneeze. Quite loudly, as it happens, and automatically I said ‘bless you’ and thought nothing more of it. It was at this point that I regretted not paying more attention to what was going on around me. The man simply stared back at me, a fierce glare seemingly going straight through to my soul. I thought I’d done a good deed, yet this man looked like he wanted to kill me. And then I took in the bigger picture.

I glanced down to his hands where he was holding several copies of a magazine. It turns out the man had called out “Big Issue”, which I took to be a sneeze and blessed him for it, which I’m sure can’t have helped. I felt a little guilty. But not guilty enough to buy the magazine.

New Year Objectives 2010 – August update

jonola14 — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 23:14:45 +0000

So this month I’ve basically read some books. Because I live on a train for three hours a day, five days a week. But I also now have an iPhone…

Objectives:

- update this website at least 83 times: 14 posts so far in 2010
(16.9% achieved vs 66% of year gone)

- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 19 so far in 2010
[Richard Montanari - Broken Angels]
[Richard Montanari - The Rosary Girls]
[Sam Bourne - The Chosen One]
[James Herbert - The Secret of Crickley Hall]
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]

- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 66% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]

- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: ACHIEVED
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion

New Year Objectives 2010 – July update

jonola14 — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 05:42:48 +0000

The most observant amongst you will notice that there was no June update. I sense your relief. However, there was good reason for this oversight. I have been busy buying somewhere to live! So I’m now a “massive homo-ner”, as my friends would put it. I need new friends – maybe that’s an objective for next year! Anyway, for your boredom, read on.

Objectives:

- update this website at least 83 times: 13 posts so far in 2010
(15.7% achieved vs 58% of year gone)

- read at least 12 books: ACHIEVED
: 15 so far in 2010
[Luke Rhinehart - The Dice Man]
[Stephen King - Cell]
[Robert Ludlum - The Bancroft Strategy]
[Bernard Cornwell - Stonehenge]
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke + John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]

- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 58% of year gone)
[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley + Bert Russell - Twist + Shout]

New Year Objectives 2010 – May update

jonola14 — Mon, 31 May 2010 23:00:18 +0000

Whilst these updates are usually days and days late, this one happens to be super-efficiently on time. Enjoy it, won’t you.

Objectives:

- update this website at least 83 times: 12 posts so far in 2010
(14.5% achieved vs 42% of year gone)

- read at least 12 books
: 11 so far in 2010
[Harlan Coben - Tell No One]
[Richard Montanari - The Skin Gods]
[Harlan Coben - Gone For Good]
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke & John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]

- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 12 so far in 2010 (57% achieved, 42% of year gone)

[AC/DC - Ride On]
[Band Of Horses - Compliments]
[Percy Sledge - When A Man Loves A Woman]
[Scouting For Girls - This Ain't A Love Song]
[John Mayer - Gravity]
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley & Bert Russell - Twist & Shout]

- redesign this website: ACHIEVED
- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat: about to exchange contracts, won’t be long…
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema: ACHIEVED
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion

Bolton & Bolton Communication Styles

jonola14 — Thu, 27 May 2010 15:47:25 +0000

I went on a negotiation skills course a fortnight ago. Sounds dull, but was actually very interesting – mostly because we went into detail about personality types and body language and how to use/interpret them when involved in a negotiation.

One of the personality type tests was to see which one of Bolton & Bolton’s Communication Styles you employ, based on how introvert or extrovert you are and whether you are task or people orientated.

Here are the categories:

The Driver
Drivers are action and goal oriented, need to see results and have a quick reaction time. They are decisive, independent, disciplined, practical and efficient. They typically use facts and data, speak and act quickly, lean forward, point and make direct eye contact. Their body posture is often rigid and they have controlled facial expressions.

They rarely want to waste time on personal talk or preliminaries and can be perceived by other styles as dominating or harsh and severe in pursuit of a goal. They are comfortable in positions of power and control. In times of stress, drivers may become autocratic.

The Analytical
Analyticals are concerned with being organised, having all the facts and being careful before taking action. Their need is to be accurate, to be right, precise, orderly, and methodical and conform to standard procedures, organisational rules and historical ways of doing things. They typically have a slow reaction time and work more slowly and carefully than Drivers. They are perceived as serious, persistent, and exacting.

Usually, they are task oriented, use facts and data, tend to speak slowly, lean back and use their hands frequently. They do not make direct eye contact and control their facial expressions. Others may see them as stuffy, indecisive, critical, picky and moralistic. They are neat and well organised. In times of stress, Analyticals tend to avoid conflict.

The Expressive
Expressives enjoy involvement, excitement, and interpersonal action. They are sociable, stimulating and enthusiastic and are good at involving and motivating others. They are also ideas oriented, have little concern for routine, are future orientated and usually have quick reaction time. They need to be accepted by others, tend to be spontaneous, outgoing, energetic, and friendly and focused on people rather than on tasks. Typically they use stories rather than facts and data.

They speak and act quickly, vary vocal inflection, lean forward, and point and make direct eye contact. They use their hands when talking; have a relaxed body posture and an animated expression. Their feelings often show in their faces and they are perceived by others as excitable, impulsive, undisciplined, dramatic, manipulative, ambitious, overly reactive and egotistical. They are usually disorganised. Under stressful conditions, Expressives tend to resort to personal attack.

The Amiable
Amiables need co-operation, personal security and acceptance. They are uncomfortable with and will avoid conflict at all costs. They value personal relationships, helping others and being liked. Some Amiables will sacrifice their own desires to win approval from others. They prefer to work with other people in a team effort, rather than individually and they have an unhurried reaction time. Typically, they are friendly, supportive, respectful, willing, dependable and agreeable. They are also people-oriented.

They use opinions rather than facts and data, speak slowly and softly, use more vocal inflection than Drivers and Analyticals. They lean back while talking and do not make direct eye contact; they also have a casual posture and an animated expression. They are perceived by other styles as conforming, unsure, pliable, dependent and awkward. They are homely. An Amiable’s reaction to stress is to comply with others.

Which one are you? No prizes for guessing which one I am…

Spoon Win

jonola14 — Wed, 12 May 2010 09:28:22 +0000

Courtesy of FAIL Blog, watch this hilarious video involving three ‘mates’ and the wooden spoon game. Very, very funny.

Bad Luck Comes In Threes

jonola14 — Sun, 09 May 2010 22:06:54 +0000

That’s what they say anyway – “bad luck comes in threes”. And the more experience I have in this crazy little life we all lead, the more I tend to agree. But I would also go one step further and say that it happens in threes per subject.

For example, my car.

About three weeks ago I stayed over in Guildford at Simon & Michelle’s. Guildford, given its Tory stronghold and low crime rate, is not a place where you would expect too much trouble, yet on the evening in question, some pikey, brainless youths decided that snapping off my car’s aerial was big and clever. Why they couldn’t just unscrew it and steal it, I do not know, but a crime of pointlessness and idiocy at the very least. Simon laughs at me. Three days later, Simon’s laptop is stolen from the back seat of his car whilst parked next to his house. Bad luck #1.

Bad luck #2 was last week’s discovery that Wandsworth Council, having turfed us residents out of our usual road for parking so they could (unnecessarily) refurbish it, have decided to change the parking restrictions in the neighbouring road and make absolutely no attempt to make people aware of it. Consequently, permit-holding residents such as I, believing that my car is parked legally because parking in such a place always has been, have been totally caught out. And because the car was on the neighbouring road and I didn’t walk past it every day, I returned from casting my Election vote to find a trio of £60 parking fines trembling in Thursday’s light winds. Sneaky, underhand and deceitful tactics by the Council and my blood continues to boil. Bad luck #2.

And so to Bad luck #3 which came in the form of a phone call this morning. It was my Dad. “Just to let you know that we noticed the driver’s rear tail light of your car isn’t working, you’ll need to get that fixed” he said.

Not three huge issues, granted, but three niggly pieces of bad luck all related to the same subject: my car. So, what about other subjects? Like girlfriends or houses? Well, let’s have a look…

On the day preceding my last three dates, I have cut myself shaving. I never cut myself shaving. Well, seemingly only when there’s an event for which I need to look my best.

Houses – my mortgage took six weeks to get approved. “They’re never normally this slow, it’s just bad luck” my financial advisor said. Bad luck #1. An official complaint has been lodged. My Homebuyer’s Report hasn’t arrived, despite the fact it was carried out two weeks ago. Bad luck #2. Third? To complete the trio? Well, that I’m NOT looking forward to. Buyer pulling out? Chain collapsing? Getting gazumped? Time will tell…

New Year Objectives 2010 – April update

jonola14 — Sun, 02 May 2010 10:48:44 +0000

Here’s this month’s update. I am about as bored of them as you are.

Objectives:

- update this website at least 83 times: 8 posts so far in 2010
(10% achieved vs 25% of year gone)

- redesign this website: ACHIEVED

- read at least 12 books
: 8 so far in 2010
[JL Cannell - The Shakespeare Secret]
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke & John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]

- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 7 so far in 2010 (33% achieved, 25% of year gone)
[John Mayer - Friends, Lovers Or Nothing]
[David Ford - Waiting For The Storm]
[Bon Jovi - I'll Be There For You]
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley & Bert Russell - Twist & Shout]

- buy a new computer: ACHIEVED
- buy a house/flat – offer accepted, more news soon…
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED
- complete the London Marathon: FAILED
- sort out my eczema
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion

New Year Objectives 2010 – March update

jonola14 — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 11:04:03 +0000

Objectives

- update this website at least 83 times (50 for 2010 plus 33 not completed in 2009)
: 7 posts so far in 2010 and most of them are these updates

- redesign this website
: ACHIEVED (the Facebook status works again and the naff photos have been removed – hoorah!)

- read at least 12 books
: 7 so far in 2010
[Lee Child - Nothing To Lose]
[Harlan Coben - No Second Chance]
[David Baldacci - Absolute Power]
[Kathy Reichs - Break No Bones]
[Harlan Coben - Just One Look]
[Jonathan Hayes - Precious Blood]
[Anthony Bourke & John Rendall - A Lion Called Christian]

- work out and type up at least 21 (15 for 2010 plus 6 not completed in 2009) guitar tabs
: 4 so far in 2010
[Bon Jovi - In These Arms]
[The Eagles - Desperado]
[Oasis - Stop Crying Your Heart Out]
[Phil Medley & Bert Russell - Twist & Shout]

- buy a new computer – will achieve in April
- buy a house/flat – offer accepted, but stupid mortgage company is threatening the deal
- give up alcohol until after the London Marathon: FAILED (ridiculous objective!)
- complete the London Marathon
- sort out my eczema
- sell a t-shirt
- have a holiday abroad
- go to the Science Museum
- go to the Natural History Museum
- go to the Tower of London
- go to Madame Tussauds
- go to the Sherlock Holmes Museum
- organise a university reunion

TEXT ARCHIVE 2009

jonola14 — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 12:56:41 +0000

01/01/2009

Yraunaj.

Simon H

A New Year’s Eve game required Ellie to say the 12 months of the year backwards. You would think ‘December, November, October’ etc, but no…

09/01/2009

About to go for an interview with the BBC about Boris and thongs. Fun!

Simon S

Simon’s fascination with Mayor Boris Johnson never ceases to amaze.

23/01/2009

Obama first black President, Lewis Hamilton first black F1 world champion, Will Smith the highest paid actor, Tiger Woods the best golfer. How times change! It’s a really good time to be black. Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!

Simon H

28/01/2009

Despite living 15 minutes away, Nick is a full hour late.

Simon S

04/02/2009

Wmt.pd wdjand. Sorry, my predictive text seems to have gone for a burton.

Simon H

I still don’t understand this.

05/02/2009

It seems our chalet hosts have done a runner with 34 people’s 200 Euro life pass money. More importantly, it means we got no breakfast.

Alex MacH

06/02/2009

Got my first arrest! Splendid.

Simon H

PC Hunter, contrary to popular belief, wasn’t actually there to search for computers.

06/02/2009

Anyway, I was 96 up…

Simon S

Simon quotes Nick M’s story about the time he (rather too proudly) beat a disabled child at bowling.

12/02/2009

I just drove a police car.

Simon H

The police-related updates were never boring.

24/02/2009

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition tonight? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients, they just need a tosser. You free?

Paul T

04/03/2009

High. Watt r ewe up two four you’re berthday.

Simon H

An attempt to rile my spelling and grammar OCD.

16/03/2009

Minnie The Mouse.

Simon S

There is a Sara Bareilles song called ‘Many The Miles’, but it sounds like she’s singing ‘Minnie The Mouse’.

16/03/2009

Prepare your nerves… Cutting Edge have confirmed they’re filming the wedding and reception.

Simon S

In an attempt to get a free wedding video, Simon allows Channel 4 documentary makers to film at his wedding. Fantastic, if you’re not Best Man…

23/03/2009

I’m ducked if I know. Stupid predictive text.

Simon H

01/04/2009

Hello. Is it a problem that I’ve been signed off work for a week with a bad back? Does that affect stag stuff?

Simon S

Simon’s attempt to wriggle out of his stag do was poor. Very poor.

03/04/2009

On root, as chavs would spell it.

Paul D

For those of you thinking that ‘on root’ is the right spelling, it’s not. En route is the correct spelling, you chav.

10/04/2009

I’ve just seen a lovely bailey, possibly a 5-birth. Nice wagon!

Shaun H

Caravan-spotting on return from Simon S’ stag do conjured some interesting conversations. Oh, and it’s berth.

17/04/2009

Alrite m8, bad news. Police are onto us. They’re looking for a sexy motherfucker & a retard. They’ve got me, so put your tongue in, grab your crayons and run like hell!

Simon H

22/04/2009

James has just said that he supports Chelsea. I have told him to find somewhere else to live. What the fuck are they teaching him at that school?

Simon H

Simon shows off his parenting skills.

26/04/2009

Hello! Michelle and I just wanted to say that we’ve had an amazing day, and it is because of you. We’re off early tomorrow, so see you soon!

Simon S

Looks like I might be Best Man next time around too…

30/04/2009

Summary: unbelievably hot, stunning views, cracking food, found a monkey on our balcony. Balcony spa is second home due to heat. Will see elephants + Phi Phi island soon. Also, I got shat on by a bat. See you soon!

Simon S

An update from the honeymoon.

03/05/2009

I blow goats.

Lucy H

Never leave your phone lying around.

07/05/2009

Captain Chaos has died.

Ben C

Dom Deluise -the man who played Captain Chaos in my childhood favourite film Stroker Ace dies, sad times.

07/05/2009

My sat nav is proper fucked, just typed Chelsea into my Tom Tom and it said 2 minutes from Rome…

Simon H

Another football-related text.

07/05/2009

First mad cow disease, then bird flu, now swine flu. It’s the end of the world. It’s Farmageddon.

Simon H

10/05/2009

My mum and dad cannot say enough good things about you. It’s getting embarrassing. I’ll have to change the subject.

Simon S

I’ve kept this one as a reminder.

30/05/2009

We are fielding xxxx

Nick M

Thank you. I didn’t even know you were playing cricket today. What relevance it has to me I don’t know. And no more kisses.

01/06/2009

Having a drink with Osama Bin Laden’s niece.

Alex MacH

ummmm…

02/06/2009

On Channel 5 there is a programme about one of my choppers.

Shaun H

Not the one that crashed I hope, Mr Helicopter Engineer?

03/06/2009

Absolutely delighted to let you know that Oliver Montgomery Cook was born last night at 11.01pm, weighing 7lb 14oz. Carole and Oliver doing really well.

Ben C

My nephew is born – the future of English football is safe!

18/06/2009

Just had a call from the BBC about Boris Johnson’s expenses. I gave nothing away, although I apparently appear on the MP’s expenses released this morning.

Simon S

18/06/2009

Holy God. I’m in the Evening Standard.

Simon S

Simon’s Boris-related experiences weren’t always positive.

25/06/2009

Michael Jackson’s died.

Simon S

Everyone will remember where they were the day Michael Jackson died. I was in the East Hill, Wandsworth in mid-conversation with my sister when this text came through. Unbelievable.

26/06/2009

Apparently it wasn’t a heart attack, they’re trying to blame it on the boogie.

Simon S

And it didn’t take long for the jokes to come through.

26/06/2009

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is white, plastic and dangerous for children. The other is dead.

Simon H

This doesn’t actually make sense.

26/06/2009

News reports that Michael Jackson is in emergency having a heart attack are false. He is in the children’s ward having a stroke.

Simon H

26/06/2009

Being 92% plastic, Michael Jackson is going to be melted down into Lego blocks so the kids can play with him for a change.

Simon H

29/06/2009

Mark Rogers is about to audition for X Factor.

Simon S

PLEASE get through, the hilarity would never cease.

30/06/2009

Shunta on the Shaun/Ellie break-up: “it’s the cat I feel sorry for in all this”.

Simon S

07/07/2009

Jehova’s witnesses have just been round and told me that the end of the world is coming.

Simon H

You’d think after getting it wrong so many times, they’d come up with something different.

09/07/2009

That is awesome. Go out with her and get married. That will never get boring or stop being funny! I don’t care if you don’t like her, do it for your friends.

Simon H

The news that I (Jack) was dating someone called Jill was met with some hilarity.

14/07/2009

Morning! I wrote you a text last night, but sent it by accident to my other London date! Was not the kind of text you wanted to send to the wrong person! He was my non-Match date, so not too amused I was seeing other people I think! Oh well, one less competition! x

Mel M

Mel gets our relationship off to an amusing start. Although not if you’re the other date…

14/07/2009

You’re on BBC2 at seven.

Simon S

My Ben Fogle lookalikiness was annoying at times.

14/07/2009

On Thin Ice. Ben Fogle undergoes course of treatment for a lethal tropical illness.

Simon S

27/07/2009

Highly amused to see you’ve ruined both Shaun and Sophie’s upcoming plans for Vinopolis.

Simon S

I publicised my complaint letter to Vinopolis…

27/07/2009

Check out the ‘geek bird’ on University Challenge. Hot!

Paul T

Paul proves once and for all that he has an overactive labedo.

02/08/2009

Baby. Ruth. Baby. Ruth.

Sophie C

Sophie quotes from The Goonies.

05/08/2009

I’ve just heard Steven Hawking has fallen in love with a new woman. She must have pushed all the right buttons.

Simon S

07/08/2009

A woman’s poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep, one who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, one who thinks before he speaks, one who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s rich and self-employed and when I spend, won’t get annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.

A man’s poem:
I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits, owns a pub on a golf course. This doesn’t even rhyme but who cares, poetry’s for wankers.

Shaun H

Lovely.

31/08/2009

Offside rule? I don’t know what that is. I hate snooker.

Shaun H

04/09/2009

Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who’s recently escaped from prison? Police are looking for a small medium at large.

Shaun H

05/09/2009

She had to type in her number as I had lost the ability to use my hands. Evidently the bar girl made us drink water as we were too pissed!

Chris M

Pulling techniques were not Chris’s forté.

05/09/2009

Serena has called her vibrator Jack.

Dee M

I have never even met Serena…

07/09/2009

I think our cleaner may have left the country.

Dee M

Turns out she had.

24/09/2009

I have been trying to convince James that it won’t be long until his baby legs fall off.

Simon H

Once more Simon displays his parenting skills.

26/09/2009

Flubbered.

Simon S

27/09/2009

I have a wife but ignore her during races.

Simon S

Nothing gets in the way of F1.

02/10/2009

Next time you’re in Putney shopping, make sure you go into Topman just to check out the blonde. Stunning!

Paul T

Once again Paul’s labedo gets the better of him.

04/10/2009

Jenson Button overtook Barrichello using flippers, Alonso sneezed on the final bend and crashed, and Schumacher made a surprise return in a tutu. You missed a great race.

Simon S

My request for a race synopsis was ridiculed.

09/10/2009

Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.

Simon S

15/10/2009

Oh my word, Steven Gerrard just flashed me for about 3 mins from his hotel room across from my office. No word of a lie, he opened the curtains and was doing silly poses in his pants – at first I thought it was just some weirdo, until someone behind me screamed out Gerrard. Ha ha ha!

Kate B

23/10/2009

Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming about my eyes changing colour. Doctor: don’t worry, it’s just a pigment of your imagination.

Simon S

28/10/2009

Oh my god. I almost got arrested! Had 3 security guards escorting me out of the Leeds shopping centre! Not cut out for this guerrilla marketing malarky! x

Mel M

31/10/2009

Sink plungers are not easy to wrap.

Simon S

06/11/2009

Quack.

Shaun H

24/11/2009

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared “12 Brazilian soldiers killed.” She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked …”wow, that really is sad. How many is a Brazilian?”

Simon H

10/12/2009

I’m sat under a Royal Navy helicopter with the top half of my torso through a hole which I’m sure is slightly smaller than the top half of my torso. I want to be in the pub.

Shaun H

16/12/2009

What a waste of money! I’ve just spend £25 on “Tiger, my favourite 18 holes” and it turned out to be a bloody golf DVD!

Simon H

25/12/2009

Merry Christmas fuck face.

Robin V

Same to you…

31/12/2009

I blow goats.

Simon S

Never leave your phone lying around.