Jonola14

I DIDN’T BANK ON THAT

Ever since it first became available, I’ve been doing the majority of my banking online. It’s so much easier online, you can transfer money, pay bills, pay off the credit card, get your account balance at the click of a button and there are no queues, no branches not open on a Saturday and nobody telling me that I am eligible for an upgrade on my account and would I be interested in speaking to someone about it.

However, paying in cheques is still a problem and until the cheque becomes so antiquated that they became unaccepted anywhere, one will still need to visit the bank to pay it in. Now, like the majority of people, I work full-time so getting to a bank during the week can be a problem. Fortunately for me, my bank is open on a Saturday and last week I went in, armed with a couple of cheques and some bagged coinage and true to form, there was a queue.

So I joined the queue, it wasn’t too long and there were a few people serving, so it’d only be a few minutes before I’d get served. I stood there, watching the bank clerks at work and thinking about which debts these cheques would clear when I became aware of the woman in front of me staring at me. I glanced up and she looked away, then she turned round again. She was old, at least 70, with mad, bedraggled hair and bucked-teeth. I tried not to look at her, but she was staring. Really staring.

Had I got toothpaste round my mouth again? Was there something hanging out of my nose? I didn’t think so, but she kept on staring, I had to look up.

“I wish I had hair like yours” she said, pointing her wrinkled fingers with bitten nails at my head, where my spikey, rather long hair was sticking in all directions. “Ummm, thank you” I said, “you can do anything with wax these days”.

She smiled and turned away, I thought that was the end of that and gazed hopefully at the counters to see if any of the clerks were soon to be available. Apparently not. When I looked back, she was staring again, this time with a broad smile and those bucked teeth glaring at me like two dirty, bulging eyes.

“You’re very handsome” she then blurted out, to my embarrassment. I heard titters of amusement from the rest of the queue and had no idea how to respond. What do you say to an old woman who likes your hair and thinks you’re handsome. All I could do was to say “thank you, you’ve very kind” and pray to God that the bank clerks would pull their collective fingers out and serve her. She was next in line now, surely I wouldn’t have to wait much longer to be freed from my ordeal.

But then she went one better and exclaimed, “I wish I could do that with my hair, but I’m so old and ugly”. I couldn’t respond, the other people in the queue were laughing into their cheque books and doing their best not to make eye contact. This was torture, wouldn’t somebody please help, or the bank clerks at least hurry the hell up?

I had to say something, she was looking at me expectantly and there was definitely no help coming from the rest of the queue so I simply said “don’t be silly, you’re not that old” and before she had time to reply, the automated voice said in its brash tone “cashier number four please” and she was gone.

P.S. Anyone wishing to write me a cheque can still do so.