From the sublime to the ridiculous

TEXTS 2006

May 25th, 2006 Posted in Text Archive
03/02/2006
A very fat man in front of me just got stuck in the airport security gate. Currently trying not to laugh.
Simon S
16/04/2006
Just pretend that everything is normal.
Simon S

Dressed as a large penis for Simon H’s birthday, I turned to the man next to me in the gents, who was not involved in the party, and uttered the phrase above.
16/04/2006
You already smell of pizza.
Shaun H

Shaun H’s chat up line to the Pizza Express waitress was unsuccessful.
21/04/2006
Hello. You are receiving this message because you signed up for weekly updates on life at Maple Cross. This week, the restaurant served raw chicken burgers, Andy Heiron kicked Ian Marritt up the arse, HR banned personal deliveries after someone had a cooker and washing machine sent to the post room and Julian Lucas left work at two thirty on Friday! This text cost you one pound fifty.
David I

David supplied me with Renault gossip in my absence.
15/05/2006
The management cannot accept any liability for hats and coats left on the premises.
Simon H
27/06/2006
The most custard pies ever thrown was 4,400 in three minutes
Simon S
05/07/2006
The M25 smells of dog food. That’s not normal, is it?
Simon S
02/08/2006
She’d been sucking my toes in the foyer
Simon S

Sexual exploits
26/08/2006
We saw a woman being sick in the high steet…
Shaun H

Yes we did. And here is the full story
29/08/2006
Club sandwiches not seals
Simon S
04/09/2006
Boots are now offering two for one on Steve Irwin suncream - an excellent deal and fantastic against harmful rays
Shaun H
04/09/2006
Boots are now offering two for one on Steve Irwin suncream - an excellent deal and fantastic against harmful rays
Shaun H
24/10/2006
I have just seen Mike walking along Cranleigh High Street carrying his slippers…
Simon H
30/10/2006
I am very glamourously sitting in the laundrette opposite East Putney tube!
Paula H
04/11/2006
On my second duck. Accidentally shut one in the door.
Simon S

We got some promotional ducks from The Stuff Show.
12/11/2006
I woke up this morning in socks, shirt (complete with cufflinks) and Sian’s jeans … I now have a headache …
Shaun H
10/12/2006
I spent last night drinking with comedy legends Cannon and Ball. Marvellous.
Shaun H
22/12/2006
Splendid effort. I, meanwhile, have rehoused the fish, unpacked 5 boxes, laughed at people at Heathrow and dropped milk over the kitchen floor. My work is done.
Simon S

Simon was moving into his new house
31/12/2006
Do u want a new Saddam Hussein shirt? But tight around the neck but hangs well!
Simon S

Happy new year to you too

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