Jonola14

FILM CAREER

Slightly hungover, very bored and in a rather silly mood on Tuesday, an imaginative idea was constructed during conversation with an equally deranged colleague.

Since Belfast is famous for bombs, we came up with a plot for a film.

WARNING: This film has been rated as classification 15, meaning that no person under this age should read on.

The scene: the world has been taken over by the Penisauruses - hairy, phallic creatures with two circular feet, long bodies (variable) and one eye. The human race is slowly being killed off, but one superhero remains - one man who can save the Earth from the evil Penisauruses - and that man is Osmond Bin Hard-On.

Osmond and the Pussies (his trusty side-kicks) have created a weapon to defend the human race - the porn bomb. Upon detonation, the porn bomb releases pictures of blonde bombshells and footage from Jordan’s personal collection. Penisauruses exposed to the porn bomb stiffen and cannot move, their feet clench and a gunky goo soon shoots out of their eye and they flop lifeless to the ground. As advances were made in technology, further weapons of mass seduction were created, including the Viagara gun which had the same effect, but much longer lasting and with a lot more goo.

Unfortunately for Osmond, the goo contained tiny seamen - miniscule characters wearing stripey blue t-shirts and flat caps, dancing around with their arms folded, kicking their legs in time to ‘In The Navy’. The only way to eliminate the seamen was to cover them in Pill - a chemical concoction designed to slow down the seamen until they could move no further, resulting in death.

And that was about as far as we got.

TO BE CONTINUED….