TEXT ARCHIVE 2009
March 3rd, 2010 Posted in Text Archive | No Comments »|
01/01/2009
Yraunaj.
Simon H
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09/01/2009
About to go for an interview with the BBC about Boris and thongs. Fun!
Simon S
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23/01/2009
Obama first black President, Lewis Hamilton first black F1 world champion, Will Smith the highest paid actor, Tiger Woods the best golfer. How times change! It’s a really good time to be black. Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!
Simon H
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28/01/2009
Despite living 15 minutes away, Nick is a full hour late.
Simon S
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04/02/2009
Wmt.pd wdjand. Sorry, my predictive text seems to have gone for a burton.
Simon H
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05/02/2009
It seems our chalet hosts have done a runner with 34 people’s 200 Euro life pass money. More importantly, it means we got no breakfast.
Alex MacH
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06/02/2009
Got my first arrest! Splendid.
Simon H
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06/02/2009
Anyway, I was 96 up…
Simon S
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12/02/2009
I just drove a police car.
Simon H
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24/02/2009
Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition tonight? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients, they just need a tosser. You free?
Paul T
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04/03/2009
High. Watt r ewe up two four you’re berthday.
Simon H
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16/03/2009
Minnie The Mouse.
Simon S
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16/03/2009
Prepare your nerves… Cutting Edge have confirmed they’re filming the wedding and reception.
Simon S
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23/03/2009
I’m ducked if I know. Stupid predictive text.
Simon H
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01/04/2009
Hello. Is it a problem that I’ve been signed off work for a week with a bad back? Does that affect stag stuff?
Simon S
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03/04/2009
On root, as chavs would spell it.
Paul D
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10/04/2009
I’ve just seen a lovely bailey, possibly a 5-birth. Nice wagon!
Shaun H
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17/04/2009
Alrite m8, bad news. Police are onto us. They’re looking for a sexy motherfucker & a retard. They’ve got me, so put your tongue in, grab your crayons and run like hell!
Simon H
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22/04/2009
James has just said that he supports Chelsea. I have told him to find somewhere else to live. What the fuck are they teaching him at that school?
Simon H
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26/04/2009
Hello! Michelle and I just wanted to say that we’ve had an amazing day, and it is because of you. We’re off early tomorrow, so see you soon!
Simon S
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30/04/2009
Summary: unbelievably hot, stunning views, cracking food, found a monkey on our balcony. Balcony spa is second home due to heat. Will see elephants + Phi Phi island soon. Also, I got shat on by a bat. See you soon!
Simon S
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03/05/2009
I blow goats.
Lucy H
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07/05/2009
Captain Chaos has died.
Ben C
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07/05/2009
My sat nav is proper fucked, just typed Chelsea into my Tom Tom and it said 2 minutes from Rome…
Simon H
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07/05/2009
First mad cow disease, then bird flu, now swine flu. It’s the end of the world. It’s Farmageddon.
Simon H
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10/05/2009
My mum and dad cannot say enough good things about you. It’s getting embarrassing. I’ll have to change the subject.
Simon S
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30/05/2009
We are fielding xxxx
Nick M
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01/06/2009
Having a drink with Osama Bin Laden’s niece.
Alex MacH
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02/06/2009
On Channel 5 there is a programme about one of my choppers.
Shaun H
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03/06/2009
Absolutely delighted to let you know that Oliver Montgomery Cook was born last night at 11.01pm, weighing 7lb 14oz. Carole and Oliver doing really well.
Ben C
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18/06/2009
Just had a call from the BBC about Boris Johnson’s expenses. I gave nothing away, although I apparently appear on the MP’s expenses released this morning.
Simon S
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18/06/2009
Holy God. I’m in the Evening Standard.
Simon S
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25/06/2009
Michael Jackson’s died.
Simon S
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26/06/2009
Apparently it wasn’t a heart attack, they’re trying to blame it on the boogie.
Simon S
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26/06/2009
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a carrier bag? One is white, plastic and dangerous for children. The other is dead.
Simon H
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26/06/2009
News reports that Michael Jackson is in emergency having a heart attack are false. He is in the children’s ward having a stroke.
Simon H
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26/06/2009
Being 92% plastic, Michael Jackson is going to be melted down into Lego blocks so the kids can play with him for a change.
Simon H
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29/06/2009
Mark Rogers is about to audition for X Factor.
Simon S
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30/06/2009
Shunta on the Shaun/Ellie break-up: “it’s the cat I feel sorry for in all this”.
Simon S
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07/07/2009
Jehova’s witnesses have just been round and told me that the end of the world is coming.
Simon H
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09/07/2009
That is awesome. Go out with her and get married. That will never get boring or stop being funny! I don’t care if you don’t like her, do it for your friends.
Simon H
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14/07/2009
Morning! I wrote you a text last night, but sent it by accident to my other London date! Was not the kind of text you wanted to send to the wrong person! He was my non-Match date, so not too amused I was seeing other people I think! Oh well, one less competition! x
Mel M
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14/07/2009
You’re on BBC2 at seven.
Simon S
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14/07/2009
On Thin Ice. Ben Fogle undergoes course of treatment for a lethal tropical illness.
Simon S
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27/07/2009
Highly amused to see you’ve ruined both Shaun and Sophie’s upcoming plans for Vinopolis.
Simon S
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27/07/2009
Check out the ‘geek bird’ on University Challenge. Hot!
Paul T
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02/08/2009
Baby. Ruth. Baby. Ruth.
Sophie C
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05/08/2009
I’ve just heard Steven Hawking has fallen in love with a new woman. She must have pushed all the right buttons.
Simon S
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07/08/2009
A woman’s poem:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who’s not a creep, one who’s handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, one who thinks before he speaks, one who’ll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he’s rich and self-employed and when I spend, won’t get annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. A man’s poem: I pray for a deaf mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits, owns a pub on a golf course. This doesn’t even rhyme but who cares, poetry’s for wankers. Shaun H
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31/08/2009
Offside rule? I don’t know what that is. I hate snooker.
Shaun H
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04/09/2009
Did you hear about the dwarf psychic who’s recently escaped from prison? Police are looking for a small medium at large.
Shaun H
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05/09/2009
She had to type in her number as I had lost the ability to use my hands. Evidently the bar girl made us drink water as we were too pissed!
Chris M
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05/09/2009
Serena has called her vibrator Jack.
Dee M
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07/09/2009
I think our cleaner may have left the country.
Dee M
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24/09/2009
I have been trying to convince James that it won’t ne long until his baby legs fall off.
Simon H
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26/09/2009
Flubbered.
Simon S
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27/09/2009
I have a wife but ignore her during races.
Simon S
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02/10/2009
Next time you’re in Putney shopping, make sure you go into Topman just to check out the blonde. Stunning!
Paul T
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04/10/2009
Jenson Button overtook Barrichello using flippers, Alonso sneezed on the final bend and crashed, and Schumacher made a surprise return in a tutu. You missed a great race.
Simon S
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09/10/2009
Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.1415927 dead.
Simon S
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15/10/2009
Oh my word, Steven Gerrard just flashed me for about 3 mins from his hotel room across from my office. No word of a lie, he opened the curtains and was doing silly poses in his pants – at first I thought it was just some weirdo, until someone behind me screamed out Gerrard. Ha ha ha!
Simon H
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23/10/2009
Man: Doctor, doctor, I keep dreaming about my eyes changing colour. Doctor: don’t worry, it’s just a pigment of your imagination.
Simon S
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28/10/2009
Oh my god. I almost got arrested! Had 3 security guards escorting me out of the Leeds shopping centre! Not cut out for this guerrilla marketing malarky! x
Mel M
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31/10/2009
Sink plungers are not easy to wrap.
Simon S
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06/11/2009
Quack.
Shaun H
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24/11/2009
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared “12 Brazilian soldiers killed.” She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked …”wow, that really is sad. How many is a Brazilian?”
Simon H
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10/12/2009
I’m sat under a Royal Navy helicopter with the top half of my torso through a hole which I’m sure is slightly smaller than the top half of my torso. I want to be in the pub.
Shaun H
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16/12/2009
What a waste of money! I’ve just spend £25 on “Tiger, my favourite 18 holes” and it turned out to be a bloody golf DVD!
Simon H
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25/12/2009
Merry Christmas fuck face.
Robin V
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31/12/2009
I blow goats.
Simon S
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