TEXTS 2003
May 25th, 2003 Posted in Text Archive|
29/12/2003
Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
Simon H
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24/12/2003
Currently munching on a nice-looking tart
Simon S
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21/11/2003
I awoke this morning to discover to my horror that I now have pot pourri in my bedroom. I’m not sure I’m ready for that kind of relationship.
Simon H
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19/11/2003
While watching The Office, mother said ‘do they ever do any work’? Following questioning, amusingly mother has been thinking for ages its a real documentary.
Mark R
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15/11/2003
Next time I ask you for the rules of 52’s, don’t tell me.
Shaun H
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14/11/2003
Pist as newt in york stude union. Dont no if its uew year or new york. Splendid. I now hav 2 ascend a drainpipe for a sh@g.
Mark R
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03/11/2003
Matt has bought a radio control tank that fires BB pellets. Splendid fun.
Simon H
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02/11/2003
I am just leaving London. Upon arrival at Brum, a girl in a white van will pick me up and take me to Newcastle. I will then spend the night sharing a Travel Inn room with a Scotsman I have never met. Life after Renault is RANDOM.
Mark R
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01/11/2003
For the purposes of this evening, Luke is Montgomery Entwhistle, heir to the earldom of Entwhistle in Worcestershire. Answers to Monty, occupation freelance troubedour
Mark R
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07/10/2003
Some distant, ancient, dilapidated old relative has just told me I look like Andrew Lloyd Webber
Alex M
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05/10/2003
Just call me Mr Whippy
Simon S
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27/09/2003
On closer inspection, the ugly woman on table 4 is actually a man in drag.
Shaun H
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05/09/2003
Spreedbuti
Simon H
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25/08/2003
Oh look, a dog
Simon S
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13/08/2003
Just had a woman come in to pay a cheque into her dog’s account. Very odd.
Simon H
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08/08/2003
Nothing going on with Luke this weekend, he’s broken his arm in Scotland
Mark R
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27/07/2003
Gridlock in the absolute sense. Not even at Oxford. Bl**dy government.
Mark R
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25/07/2003
Throw another chair leg on the fire mother
Mark R
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25/07/2003
I’ve just kissed Jordan - bring it on!
Alex M
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24/07/2003
‘You are now entering Oxfordshire’
Simon S
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23/07/2003
Oooh heaven is replaced by girth
Simon S
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20/07/2003
You need a huge SPLENDID banner, for identification purposes
Simon S
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20/07/2003
Your mission: find the ITV crew and dance around like fools
Simon S
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16/07/2003
Oh good. A lorry has overturned, the road has been closed and the traffic announcer has just kindly informed me it will be another four hours until it is cleared.
Simon S
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16/07/2003
Currently stuck in a 5 mile queue at the M4 junction…and the bl**dy American at the service station told me to ‘have a nice day’.
Simon S
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14/06/2003
I’ve got a ticket to Ry-Hi-Hyde…..
Simon S
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04/06/2003
Women are just like orange juice cartons, it’s not the shape or size that matters, or even how sweet the juice is. It’s getting those bl**dy flaps to open…..
Dave M
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04/06/2003
I’ve just been chatting to Jean-Luc Picard. He’s staying at the Angel in Guildford High Street.
Simon S
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03/06/2003
Why should you not employ a dwarf with learning difficulties? Because it’s not big and it’s not clever.
Simon H
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26/05/2003
Currently sandwiched between two bullocks.
Simon S
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23/05/2003
Big Brother contestant number 4 - Cameron from Orkney - “our nearest train station to Orkney is actually in Norway”.
Simon S
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17/05/2003
Map blew out window. Brilliant
Mark R
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12/05/2003
Currently ensconced in local hostelry in Oxford, munching on what looks like a dead rabbit, but is apparently ‘chicken a la mode’.
Simon S
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11/05/2003
Just been interviewed by Radio Solent! |
Sender: Alex MacH
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did they ask you to model for them?
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06/05/2003
P75 BPM just nearly ran me over. |
Sender: Simon S
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Glad to hear that my old car is still serving a purpose…..
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06/05/2003
My lips are very salty. |
Sender: Simon H
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a bit like your girlfriend’s…..
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02/05/2003
Despite Dad only being a paper candidate for councillor, making up numbers and not actually living anywhere near the town anymore, he has won Petersfield. Whoops. |
Sender: Simon S
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Well done him. Get him into No. 10…..
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22/04/2003
I’ve just been tripped up by Will Carling. |
Sender: Simon S
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be more careful then, next time it might be someone important
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20/04/2003
Pizzafield. |
Sender: Shaun H
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Simon S’ former home town - Petersfield - is renamed to reflect his tastes…..
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17/04/2003
In the last 30 mins, I have gone 2 metres, the airbag light is on and I need diesel. Excellent. |
Sender: Mark R
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07/04/2003
Oh dear. I CAN’T PARK. Just stalled on the drive and nearly bashed the expensive car! Hate driving.. |
Sender: Beccy H
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01/04/2003
Just seen a dirty lorry with ‘cleaned by Stevie Wonder valeting services’ on it. |
Sender: Lucy R
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Almost as good as ‘I wish my wife was this dirty’
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25/03/2003
According to the information screen, my train is 9 and a half hours late. |
Sender: Simon H
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09/03/2003
My mum just recommended ‘an early night and no rumpy pumpy’. |
Sender: Simon S
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07/03/2003
You having sex - Jac in the box. |
Sender: Simon H
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Oh how drole, never heard it before, no really…..
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05/03/2003
I seem to be accidentally in the middle of a police man hunt, helicopter search light on my car! Whoops. |
Sender: Simon S
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10/02/2003
Is there a mink in your bed? |
Sender: Mark R
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An odd question, but the answer was, in fact, yes.
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09/02/2003
Just phoned 999 by mistake. They were nice though. |
Sender: Simon H
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31/01/2003
Never has a kebab been seen again so rapidly, violently or loudly. |
Sender: Mark R
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Charming.
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23/01/2003
Rather paranoid about the two schoolgirls who keep looking at me and laughing |
Sender: Simon H
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Put your pants back on then.
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17/01/2003
Tonight, Matthew, I’m going to be Badly Torn Boy |
Sender: Simon H
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01/01/2003
Happy New Year. I have just woken up in a blue and red loft. I don’t know where it is and I can’t find an exit. |
Sender: Mark R
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