HOW TO SNOWBOARD
February 25th, 2003 Posted in Classics, SportAll you need to know about learning to snowboard in 10 easy steps…..
1) Grow a goatee or tuft-of-hair-between-bottom-lip-and-chin, start smoking cannabis, name yourself after a wild animal and say ‘man’ every other word.
2) Wear a ridiculous hat or supremely baggy salopettes and practice shouting ‘BLOODY SKIERS’ at the top of your voice.
3) Make sure the board is securely fastened to your feet, otherwise you will be running after it as it slides uncontrollably down the mountain, killing a few small children and maiming a few skiers.
4) Fling yourself off the top of a steep mountain, sideways on, with shoulders aligned with the board, shouting ‘SHIIIIIT’ at the top of your voice.
5) Lean forward to slow down, lean back to speed up. This is counter-intuitive so you have no choice but to learn quickly, or else you will probably hit a large rock at tremendous speed.
6) Knees bent, back straight, arms out - pretend you have a big stick going from one hand to the other, this will aid movement.
7) Arch your shoulders round to the left or right when you want to go in that direction. Combine this with leaning forwards or else you will simply fall into the snow, as if you’ve just had a stroke or something.
Yell obscenities at all skiers at every possible opportunity.
9) Crash spectacularly while trying to impress the group of teenage girls taking skiing lessons on the nursery slopes.
10) As the Mountain Rescue team takes you away in the air ambulance, raise your hand, cross random fingers and point others in the air, and shout ‘BO!’ to show your defiance and, indeed, coolness.
